Hi there! What’s that? I couldn’t hear you over the sizzle of these big slabs of meat just cooking away on my huge grill.

I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian, but that doesn’t poll well with the target audience of this Kohl’s ad.

I’m cool, young dad, meaning I’m vaguely 30-ish with nicely groomed facial hair and a son who is old enough to play video games with me, on the next page, but not old enough to beat me.

Please don’t confuse me with cool, even younger dad, who has more unkempt hair, and who is the only one allowed to wear pink shorts in this ad because he’s the ad’s token “creative” (as shown by his hair). Put too many guys in pink shorts in the ad, and our customers might think we support LGBTQ rights and, hoo boy, that does not poll well with our audience. We would like it to, but it doesn’t, so that’s that.

You’ll also find distinguished, older dad, whose only difference is that his hair is grey and he’s usually holding a golf club. He’s earned it! He’s supported his family for many years! And that’s one thing you can be sure to read lots of in this ad, pithy messages about how great us dads are because we occasionally give a toddler a piggyback ride (page three) when we’re not power-striding in our Kohl’s business suits or cooking steaks or holding power tools while flexing our biceps.

Speaking of tools, you can buy me anything that accompanies my grill (tongs, spatulas, etc.). Tools for grooming my facial hair are also a-okay. Anything that belongs in my shop is fine. Anything that has kitchen counter stank on it, though, is right out, so like, no toasters or god forbid, standing mixers. My pretend wife already posed with those in the Mother’s Day ad.

You might have missed it, but she’s got a thigh gap to beat the band. Oh, not in the Mother’s Day ad, but in last week’s swimsuit preview. I saved my copy if you want a look.

Still stumped on what to get me for Father’s Day? Well, if these ads are correct, and I think we can all agree they are, I LOVE polo shirts. No matter what age dad I am, if there’s a shirt with more than three buttons out there (the top button left saucily undone) then I do not want to meet that shirt. We dads in this ad also love casual pants, the kinds that look good with a polo shirt tucked into them. And don’t forget the leather belt, because if there’s another thing we can agree on, it’s that every man who shops here looks great with a tucked in shirt and belted pants. (Note, there is only one French tuck in our ad and that is on the youngest, creative dad. Also, if you know what a French tuck is, this ad is not meant for you.)

Speaking of my waistline, it’s amazing how I’m able to keep off the pounds with my steady diet of meat, video game playing with my young son who doesn’t resemble me at all, and homemade ice-cream making (novelty gifts, page 7). I get very little exercise, although I’ll sometimes hold a football and bring it back, looking off into the distance like I’m about to make a pass, but that’s not until the October ad.

However, it is fun to sit on the couch watching sports on the new flat-screen TV that you can see from space. I earned it! Remember? The ad copy says as much right under the picture of me pretending to waltz with my pretend daughter. Plus I’m wearing a wrinkle-free dress shirt and a tie, and don’t I look nice? Ties! Of course, you could buy me a tie, but please don’t.

Other good gift ideas:

  • Coolers. Small ones, big ones, ones that float in the pool, basically any container within which I can store unhealthy foods.
  • An apron with a helpful diagram of the parts of the animal I’m cooking to remind you of the hunter-gatherer days when men ruled!
  • A t-shirt with the logo of a popular sports team (Go Buckeyes!) or the logo of a ubiquitous product that is non-offensive to Middle America, something like Pepsi or Levis. When all of us racially diverse dads (where did these dudes come from? I have never seen them at Kohl’s) gather by my big-ass grill, we can point to each other’s logo shirts and have a great big laugh as if to say, oh yes, I too have heard of/purchased an item by said corporation.
  • I don’t really like cologne, but it’s okay, as long as it has a picture of a sailboat on the bottle, or a tough sounding name like “Bad” or “Boss” that will make me feel in charge while smelling like a mixture of cardamom and tobacco, because who doesn’t want to smell like an ashtray at an Indian restaurant?

If I haven’t convinced you to shop at Kohl’s, perhaps our sale will sweeten the deal. Did I mention we’re having a sale? An extra 70% percent off, plus $20 back for every $10 you spend, plus additional Kohl’s Cash, this Saturday only, which is equal to your purchase price plus $50? It’s true, we pay YOU to shop here!

Also, remember, we may not be Target (I wish!) but we’re not Walmart either (suck it, Sam Walton!).

P.S. You can always get me a World’s Greatest Dad gift card so I can buy something I really want, but maybe get it from Target?

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.