Dear Families,

Like you, I have been frustrated by staffing shortages. Who could have predicted the “great resignation,” a “neverending pandemic,” or “teachers striking for a living wage?” As our community deals with these challenges, rest assured that we are committed to providing the highest quality substitute educators for your children. In the spirit of transparency, celebration, and fun that are our hallmarks here at the district’s central office, I’d like to introduce you to our top ten new substitute teachers for this semester!

Both of Our State Senators: Seeing as they were doing nothing in Congress, I reached out to offer them the gig, and wouldn’t ya know, they accepted! They’ll be substituting in the class for which they are most suited: that one pre-K classroom where the kids pee on the rug.

Elon Musk: He volunteered on Twitter, and I’ve gotta say, he seems pretty legit. Please join me in welcoming Mr. Musk as he fills in for our guidance counselor!

A DVD of Uncut Gems: We wanted a substitute who would glue students to their seats and keep them six feet away from each other. I’m proud to say that the first students taught by this substitute have yet to interact with another human being six days later!

Our Tallest 2nd Grader: I mean, have you seen this kid? He can even spell “tyrannosaur.” Anyway, he’ll be teaching AP Bio.

A Poster of K-Pop Sensation BTS: Music program: revitalized.

12 Second-Hand Copies of In Search of Lost Time: We wanted to spring for a full class set, but you know how budget cuts are. It’s fine, the kindergarteners can share.

The Desiccated Skeleton of Adam Smith: Proving once and for all to the smart alecks in our economics classes that humans may die, but capitalism endures.

The Rat from That One Pixar Film: If the Health Department has a problem with it, hey, there’s more than one use for him in our culinary program. Related: our cafeteria now boasts student-made meatloaf!

The Music of Tenacious D: I have to say, I’m quite pleased with this one. We needed a cost-effective update to our sex-ed curriculum.

Drugs: Naptime comes to high school.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions you may have, though I know that with substitutes such as these, your concerns will be limited. If you require immediate assistance, you can find me in Room 21 at the High School. Self-care and naptime aren’t just for the students!

In Solidarity,

Your District Superintendent