Hey Jews!

President Trump—the least anti-Semitic President ever—knows you feel unsafe, given the recent uptick in anti-Semitic attacks. He’s still reeling from that Pittsburgh shooting, which could’ve been prevented if the synagogue had an armed guard.

In these scary times that we definitely didn’t help cause, we got to thinking: after your Jew-priest hires a fleet of armed guards for your temple, what other preventative measures can you take?

Below are our top ten recommendations for your 2018 “Chanukah” party (start by saying “Hanukkah,” it’s less phlegm-y). These tips will surely temper your Northeast liberal-elite characteristics and help you blend in with the real Americans.

  1. Replace those ethnic potato “latkes” with french fries—or better yet, impress the patriots in your community and call them freedom fries. (Remember those? Better times!)
  2. Ditch the sour cream and applesauce; ketchup is the only condiment that won’t gross out salt-of-the-earth Americans. And it’s a merry complement to those freedom fries!
  3. Don’t say any prayers in Hebrew; switch to English so that all the nationalists will know you aren’t chanting about globalist schemes in a secret, nefarious language.
  4. Skip the dreidel and have your kids play with an old-fashioned, patriotic spinning top with no confusing Hebrew letters on it signifying your plans to divvy up international wealth.
  5. If you do insist on playing dreidel, don’t use chocolate gold coins, which just prove the stereotype that Jews are obsessed with money. Instead, why not try playing with Oreos? They’re Santa’s favorite cookie!
  6. “Sufganiyot” might be a traditional treat, but it’s hard to pronounce, and makes you seem like you’re plotting an overthrow of American jelly donuts. Why not buy red-and-green frosted donuts from the local Dunkin? Or skip the fried dough altogether and buy some seasonal candy canes.
  7. Instead of lighting candles for eight nights, hang eight colorful strings of lights on a far-less-dubious Christmas tree. But don’t call it a “Hanukkah Bush;” it’s hard enough to get people to say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy holidays,” no need to Jew this up!
  8. Forget putting that electric menorah in your window. White nationalists will be happier if you could just be cool and put Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer out on the lawn. But make sure his red nose isn’t too large; we don’t want to remind people of your big noses!
  9. Instead of taking up eight nights for your shady rituals, why not just consolidate the whole thing into one day? We suggest celebrating on Jesus’ birthday. He was one of you people, even if you might’ve killed him. (We aren’t saying that, but we hear people are saying that!)
  10. While you’re at it, consider reining in Passover (Easter’s more fun), Purim (A.K.A. Jew-Halloween) and Rosh Hashanah (the real New Year is December 31st), and all those other suspiciously un-American holidays of yours. Now, we have nothing against Jews; President Trump has Jewish grandkids, and he loves Israel. But maybe you could acquiesce to the Neo-Nazis who reliably vote for us, and just, like, tone it down? You know, be Jews, but don’t really be Jews…be Jew-ish! (Clever, right? We didn’t even hire any slippery Jew-comedians to come up with that extremely original pun.)

From all of us in President Trump’s administration: Merry Christmas to all Jews and to the armed guards protecting you… and to all Jews, whatever happens to you is your fault, not ours!