Diggieh (DIG-geh): Helpless despair felt when one sees Trump flags in the wake of a mass shooting.

Eppa (e?pä): Catharsis via quixotic acts of charity, like Venmoing $5 to Greenpeace.

Oofaugh (o?o-?fä): The pit felt in one’s heart when someone they were starting to hit it off with defends the GOP’s modern position on race because the KKK was founded by Democrats 150 years ago.

Trollica (tr?l-l?k?): An obsessive commitment to determining whether a suspicious Twitter account posting doctored images of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a bot or an idiot.

McCackle (m?k?kak?l): The singular, satisfying joy felt when one pictures Mitch McConnell wincing, crying, grimacing, and otherwise rolling after his shoulder-fracturing home fall.

Ivankation (ih-vAHn-k?SH?n): A malicious desire to fall ass-backwards into someone else’s dream job.

Quitticisim (kwit-??siz?m): The paralyzing decision to either delete or refresh Twitter every thirty seconds.

Gaffault (?af-fôlt): Guilt experienced when reflecting on how the “Make Chili Cook-offs Great Again!” joke one made for cheap laughs last fall only normalized racist nostalgia.

Covefea (k?v-V?-fe?): A entertaining daydream about how much more bizarre, confusing, and off-the-rails one’s Intro to Poli Sci course from 2011 would be today. Especially when one reflects on how their professor kicked a student out of class for suggesting Kanye West should run for President in 2016, stating “ridiculous comments made to deter us from serious discussion will not be tolerated”, only for Kanye West—and his wife, Kim Kardashian—to visit President Donald Trump in the Oval Office on separate occasions in 2018.

Gwaaahh (‘gwäääh): Restless anxiety experienced at 3:26 a.m. when one ponders what biographies, documentaries, monuments, and memorials future generations will make about this era.

Bawitdaboohoo (BA-wit-da-boo-hoo): That feeling of when you see a photo of Kid Rock in the Oval Office and you wonder what Kid Rock smells like and for how long that scent lingers in the oval office after his departure.

Purchease (?p?rCH?z): Comfort felt when shopping for new Nikes knowing zero unfashionable MAGA minions will be spotted wearing whatever pair you buy.

Americowa (??mer?k?kou-AH): Gradual unease felt while watching what used to be a brief rendition of the national anthem before your local NFL game descends into a martial-law parade.

Hoooyah (ho?o- yä): Hope derived from witnessing women and children organize historic marches on Washington while adult men complain about vagina hats.

Pugga (po?o-?ä): Paranoia experienced while walking home from a bar and wondering which of one’s friends, should a second Civil War actually start overnight, would take their side (which would predictably be labeled “The Socialists”) and which would join the other side (which would logically be called “The Nationalists”, only they would brand themselves as “The Freedomers”) who one now has fight to the death with their Victorinox knife-sword, Lodge cast-iron shield, and bocce-ball cannons.

Puggala (po?o-?ä-lä): Pride felt when donning your Nike hat, Patagonia jacket, Levi’s jeans, and Gucci loafers, realizing that the uniforms of the Socialists are much cooler that the uniforms of the Freedomers and knowing that no matter who wins, you will look so much better in all artist renderings of CW2.

Woofo (wo?of- ?): The unsteady balance of catharsis and jealousy felt by gazing into the eyes of a dog and knowing it will love you no matter who you vote for next year, even if it is a cowardly “protests vote” for Tom Hanks.

Nimmi (?nim- m?): The feeling yet-to-come on November 3rd, 2020, right before you submit your vote and wonder if the Romans ever felt the same way.

????????? ( ??? ): American intelligence agencies are still trying to decipher this feeling, but it involves the sense that somewhere, somehow a small Russian boy is watching you on election day, and that his presence will single-handedly influence the course of American history as we start a new decade.