I used to have what you'd call a normal life. I was a star football player. I solved a murder and unraveled a vast conspiracy about my high school. I was incredibly attractive and in no way looked like I was 25.

But one day something shocking happened. And I don't mean normal shocking, like finding out your long-lost father is back and involved in the occult. I mean something that's actually strange. It all started like any average day. I had been framed for a crime I didn't commit by the rival school's football coach and I needed to go on trial while my friends cleared my name.

That's when I met Hannibal Corpus, a lawyer who plays by his own rules. Then things got scary. It seemed like everyone was focused on him and his hot team of paralegals/self- defense experts. No one cared about me, as if my plot was suddenly on the backburner. The main story suddenly became Hannibal's unique style of investigation and his vague allusions to a troubled past.

Even my friends were affected. They barely showed up and when they did, it was only to say “Hannibal sure is interesting. His whole team is a great ensemble. I'd loved to watch his adventures every week.”

I'm really starting to freak out about this. My entire life has come to a standstill and everyone's lost all agency because of this legal genius with a heart of gold! And there's so much important stuff in our lives that can't wait. My twin brother is still out there with the lockbox that my mother left me in her will. What's inside? Doesn't anyone care? What about the masked killer who's attacking cheerleaders? Is all that stuff just supposed to wait a week while Hannibal has a “will they won't they” with the DA? We all know they will! They're both attractive and smart…but I guess their jobs are at odds. How would they ever make it work, especially when he failed to save her husband in Iraq? I guess we'll never know unless we get more chances to watch…

Dangit, now I'm doing it too. Being in prison is hard enough, even when people are paying attention to you. But for long stretches, it's like nothing happens to me. I just stay in here, as though the camera isn't on me and I'm just a prop in someone else's story. The only times I really feel alive is when Hannibal visits me, as if the whole world revolves around him.

At first I hoped things would work out because Hannibal has never lost a case…except one. But now his arch-rival, Chase Dismissed is prosecuting. There seems to be some history there, and probably an interesting future…but I don't care! I just want to get out of jail so I can go to prom. My last prom was ruined when the Cobra Gang kidnapped me and I don't want to spend my second in jail.

I can't take this anymore. It's been so long since I've seen my girlfriend. It's been too long since I've done something cool, like expose the drug dealers in the school paper. Worst of all, it has been much too long since someone has seen me without a shirt. This has to be the worst prison experience anyone has ever had.

As soon as Hannibal gets here I'm going to tell him… What's this? It's a letter from Hannibal, saying that he's cleared my name and proved that my twin brother did it. He also says that he has to leave town to rescue his long-lost sister, but he'll be back in time for fall. Wow. I hope he finds her and that her life is as interesting as his. Maybe some of her problems with the Philippine mafia will follow her home. Maybe they'll have to face them together with the help of that alluring DA. Maybe we can crossover at some point and expose the corrupt mayor as the leader of the cult. I don't know but I sure am interested. I hope you are too.

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.