Hi! I’m Calling About Your Student Loan Payments, You Fucking Deadbeat Loser!
Are able to pay today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year.
Are able to pay today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year.
If I were overseeing this initiative, I’d start with building more “natural” wonders. People seem to love lakes, mountains and caverns, right?
We stormed into your backyard like Viking hordes, and heaved your precious boy into a burlap sack, the rough fibers scratching his tousled hair.
501-1000 likes: Your package will be delivered by dedicated Piper Cub and guarded en route by a contingent of off-duty Allstate Security agents.
A 6-2 record with one game left? With five players training at Elite, we should be undefeated. Heck, we should shut out every team in this league.
You kids have so much in common. He loves dogs, too. He just can’t be in the same room with them. He’s highly allergic. To everything.
I also have a picture of the two of us on my phone so you know exactly how similar we look.
Who better to replace dad than a late night comedy host, who is charismatic, funny, and probably screams at their unpaid interns?
Where are all the people who keep saying you look like Dr. Evil? Who cares! You have to survive a -40 degree blizzard by finding a cave to sleep in!
“Quierrro ceviche,” I purr and raise an eyebrow. “Ok, one ceviche coming right up,” He responds in English. Haha! He’s fun and must stop flirting!
Cleanse your washing machine: In the drum, tumble one medium-sized bushel of dried sage, rosemary, and lavender on your delicates cycle.
Who faced more adversity than when Elizabeth was defrauding people based on an invention that was scientifically impossible? No one, that’s who.