Hi Anne! I know you probably don’t recognize me because we haven’t seen much of each other since you and Josh graduated preschool.
The reason I’m standing here before you with this cardboard replica of my 17-year-old son is because, well, surprise! Josh would love to take you to prom!
He wanted to ask you himself, of course, but he’s very busy creating this incredibly complex Minecraft world. He’d like to bring you back to our basement after the dance and show it to you. He didn’t actually say that because he only communicates in grunts, but as his mom, I always know what he’s thinking. Anyway, we’re sure you’ll be thoroughly impressed.
Joshie has so many talents. No, he didn’t make this promposal poster. This is my handiwork. I went a little rogue at my Gals Night Out Paint-N-Sip. It looks just like you, doesn’t it? I used your Facebook profile pic for inspiration. I didn’t include your chihuahua because I ran out of time—and wine—but I’m happy to add him in later. After you say “Yes!” to Josh, of course.
You kids have so much in common. He loves dogs, too. He just can’t be in the same room with them. He’s highly allergic. To everything. But don’t worry, I’ll type up a list and you can keep it tucked inside your corsage next to his EpiPen. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve already taken the liberty of Amazon Priming him an artificial BPA-free calla lily boutonniere, so he’s all set.
Don’t worry about chipping in for a limo either. Josh’s dad and I have that covered. We’ll be driving you back and forth in our 2007 Honda Odyssey. Just the thought of you and Josh going together got his dad so excited he spent all day yesterday trying to get the stains out of our van’s third row. Apparently, the wild turkey leg Joshie ate at last weekend’s Renaissance Fair didn’t agree with him. I should probably mention he’s also lactose intolerant.
Oh dear, I see you’re frowning. I know it’s unusual to have me just pop up in the girls locker room after your lacrosse practice like this, but after you blocked me on Instagram what other choice did we have, right?
You’ll understand when you’re a parent. Not that I expect you to become a mom anytime soon. Josh isn’t sexually active. That online abstinence camp we enrolled him in during middle school is still paying dividends.
But he likes you, Anne, he really does. In fact, I’ve never seen him so smitten. When I mentioned your name, he looked up from his phone for a second and it wasn’t to give me the middle finger.
He wanted to stop by your house last Saturday, but it was Star Wars day, and, oh, you should’ve seen him, Anne, dressed like Chewbacca, making Imperial Nachos in our Instant Pot. He was so happy, but I’m sure not as happy as it would make him if you’ll just agree to be his date. Having you on his arm would bring him a sense of joy and peace he hasn’t experienced since the afternoon he finally got his Rube Goldberg machine working.
I understand that this promposal is different from the ones your friends might be receiving. But I think of it like this: You know that iconic scene in Say Anything when Lloyd Dobler plays “In Your Eyes” for Diane beneath her window? Wouldn’t it have been that much sweeter if Lloyd’s mom had been holding one end of the boombox?
What I’m saying, Anne, is that I’m holding up my end of the boombox. And now it’s time for you to do your part by accepting Josh’s promposal. Just say “Yes!” and then forward me your vaccination records, and we’ll be good to go.
I’m sure we'll have a wonderful night!