Are you tired of society assuming you’re a neo-Nazi or registered sex offender just because you don’t have hair?

Do you have any male friends or family members who lost their job and entire livelihood just because they look like Nicolas Cage before hair plugs?

Like your hair, those days are gone!

Mentech Biolabs’ new Mountain Hermit formula has the only permanent cure to hair loss by helping you to leave human society entirely!

Mountain Hermit gets at the root problem of hair loss: Society’s refusal to accept the beautiful bald you!

MH has a unique, one of a kind blend of living deep in the wilderness, completely cut off from civilization and building your own wooden cabin by hand!

Hey, where are all the people who keep saying you look like Dr. Evil? Who cares! You have to survive a -40 degree blizzard by finding a cave to sleep in! Wow, what load off!

Worried your wife is cheating on you with a man who has hair like Brad Pitt? Forget about it! You got to fight a mountain lion with your bare hands!

You’ll never have to worry about hats or toupees when you’re hunting for your dinner all by yourself, completely devoid of human contact, in a Rocky Mountain river with a hatchet! Do you feel like Jason Statham now? Hell yeah you do, you savage mountain recluse!

But, you’re probably wondering does it really work? The results speak for themselves: 100% of the men who have used our Mountain Hermit formula have never been heard from again, not even the slightest bit of contact with their own families and friends.

Also, based on our team of highly smart hair scientists’ best estimates, 87% of MH users can build a fire with little more than two sticks given the right wind conditions.

Time to say goodbye to your hairdresser trying to upsell you on hair strengthening shampoos and hello to trying to endure the harsh elements of mother nature’s wrath and fury in complete isolation! Bring it on!

Illustration by Andrew Haener

Illustration by Andrew Haener

If you’re still not convinced, just imagine what one of our successful users would say if there was any possible way to contact them.

They’d probably send up smoke signals that say something like, “sure, I've broken this leg twice, and it's healing wrong, but never wondering if my wife is fantasizing about my 25-year-old hair is such a relief!”

Amazing that hair loss is no longer a concern for this hypothetical Mountain Hermit customer! Those smoke signals sure do sound like satisfaction to me and can for you too!

We can only imagine what a long time Mountain Hermit user might say about MH's triple peer reviewed, scientifically proven results!

He’d probably happily grunt something like, “gurp arg moogurk!” and then eat the remains of a deer carcass that had been torn apart earlier by a pack of wolves! Awesome! He’s so happy he’s practically Bruce Willis in a caribou skin coat with no more need for any kind of known language!

Hurry and order now so you too can be free of women swiping left on you in dating apps, and instead, resort to eating animal remains in order to subsist in the wild! You feeling so manly right now? I know I am! So much testosterone and independence!

If you’re ready to enjoy a hair free, carefree life of foraging absolutely, utterly alone for wild berries and fending off grizzly bears with a knife you constructed out of chiseled rock, visit www.mentech.com/mountainhermit and find your solution to the societal stigmas of hair loss today!

Prices start at $300 US ($400 CAD), this includes the helicopter that will transport and leave you stranded in areas of wild country inaccessible to most, if not all people, as well as your initial supplies such as an axe, animal skin coat, old prospector hat, and a clip on beard until you’re able to grow your own.

Use coupon code CRAZYMHGUYWHOFIGHTSBEARS to get a 10% discount on bear spray.

Life is too short to care what society thinks because you don’t have hair, so start not being a part of that society today!

Illustration by Andrew Haener

Illustration by Andrew Haener

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.