A List of Apologies to Establishments from Which I Have Been Banned
Winkler Field in Saratoga: I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double.
Tag: Guides and Listicles
The Top 10 Numbers from 0 to 9
Seven puts an end to the question, “Can a number outstay its welcome?” with a resounding, eye-rolling yes.
12 Moments You Thought You Could Forget, but Your Phone’s Photo “Memories” Function Won’t Let You
That time you got your first martini at the airport and took a pic for the group chat before tasting it and realizing you hate martinis.
So You Ignored the Warnings of That Dystopian Novel
Take some deep breaths and be mindful that there are several levels to the destruction you have wrought upon the one livable place we humans are aware of.
Introducing the Sam Super Loyalty Card
So wait, I can’t meet with you/speak to you/copulate with you without a loyalty card? Unfortunately not!
Ranking the Summer Lineup from Craigslist’s New Streaming Service
"Writing Gigs" -- A real tearjerker of a drama that takes place entirely during a job interview that turns out to be for freelance work.
Frequently Asked Questions About Our Fragile Democracy
What does democracy look like? This is what democracy looks like: it’s kind of pear-shaped.
U.S. Presidents Order at Starbucks
Ulysses S. Grant: A cup of whole beans--Starbucks Christmas Blend--to eat raw as he squashes his enemies.
Mind Your Dots: A Public Service Announcement on the Responsible Use of Ellipses
According to the Society for Appropriate Punctuation, the global supply of ellipses reached critically low levels during the last quarter of 2021.
Fine Wines Inspired by the Stains on My Couch
The urinary mishaps of three potty-training boys mingle to deliver this temporally complex white.
Bullshit Candle Scents We’d Still Buy
Take a deep breath, relax, and let the current of "Ocean River Stream" carry you to notes of Mediterranean sex butter and unwashed ambrosia.
How to Meet Someone Without the Apps
Discover a New Type of Bug: When you’re talking about the bug on National Geographic, make a joke about how you’re single.