Some Complaints I Have with the Garden of Eden
Too much fruit: I've eaten six tons of papaya, 3,500 grapefruits, 0 apples, 700 oranges, more grapes than I can count, and a plethora of colorful berries.
Tag: Guides and Listicles
Seven Ways to Stop Me Before I Start a Devastating Religion
Walk out: Just leave en masse. Once you're a healthy distance away from me, there will be no one to support my Multi-Level Marketing Religion.
Every Time, Ranked by Lateness
5:00 AM -- Catching the sunrise? Driving to hockey practice? This is the third least-late time ever invented!
Why Our New Ad Campaign Only Targets Reptilian-Human Hybrids
The government began funding the reptilian-human-hybrid breeding program in the late 1940s. The perfect age to discover the wonders of retirement living.
A List of Apologies to Establishments from Which I Have Been Banned
Winkler Field in Saratoga: I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double.
The Top 10 Numbers from 0 to 9
Seven puts an end to the question, “Can a number outstay its welcome?” with a resounding, eye-rolling yes.
12 Moments You Thought You Could Forget, but Your Phone’s Photo “Memories” Function Won’t Let You
That time you got your first martini at the airport and took a pic for the group chat before tasting it and realizing you hate martinis.
So You Ignored the Warnings of That Dystopian Novel
Take some deep breaths and be mindful that there are several levels to the destruction you have wrought upon the one livable place we humans are aware of.
Introducing the Sam Super Loyalty Card
So wait, I can’t meet with you/speak to you/copulate with you without a loyalty card? Unfortunately not!
Ranking the Summer Lineup from Craigslist’s New Streaming Service
"Writing Gigs" -- A real tearjerker of a drama that takes place entirely during a job interview that turns out to be for freelance work.
Frequently Asked Questions About Our Fragile Democracy
What does democracy look like? This is what democracy looks like: it’s kind of pear-shaped.
U.S. Presidents Order at Starbucks
Ulysses S. Grant: A cup of whole beans--Starbucks Christmas Blend--to eat raw as he squashes his enemies.