Guy Who’s Been Going to the Gym for One Week Answers Your Questions
How do I use this machine for exercise? Just sit back and push up on the sad branches/robot arms, letting the weight fall back down with a loud SLAM.
Tag: Guides and Listicles
Your Personal Branding Focus Group Report
Everyone agreed that you are fatally lacking any brand whatsoever. The days of "hanging loose," and "taking it as it comes," are long, long gone.
How to Write About Your Anxiety Instead of Actually Dealing with It
Sure you have been up since 3 AM, counting the hours before you cry in the bathroom on your lunch break. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell others how to live.
Five Ways to Convince Your Friends That Your New Apartment Isn’t Haunted
Now when you pop your bones from their sockets so you can scuttle across the floor like a spider, you will be met with clapping instead of screaming.
Spider-Man Movies Ranked by the Severity of Pain I Experienced Passing a Kidney Stone During the Screening
Widely considered the apex of the Spider-Man films, the first sequel is also significant because its release coincided with the passing of my second kidney stone.
My Non-Survival Plan for the Zombie Apocalypse
I will complain about my shin splints roughly four times a day. I know my chiropractor will already be a zombie by that point (R.I.P. Dr. Gordon).
Geppetto’s Other Marionettes That Didn’t Come to Life
Blonde Pinocchio was a blatantly transparent attempt for Geppetto to cash in on the notoriety of his most famous creation.
Ten New Year’s Resolutions from a People Pleaser… Unless Ten Is Too Many, I Can Do Five Instead, It’s Really No Trouble
I resolve to say "No" more often to things like babysitting around the clock for my friends.
New Year’s Resolutions with Enough Wiggle Room to Ensure Keeping Them
I will run a mile every morning… but if my knee is acting up, I will walk instead… unless it’s raining, of course… or even drizzling...
Rules for Enjoying Edith Peckhurst Memorial Park
Use of this park is at your own risk. Such risk will not be assessed, even though this neighborhood has the highest population of actuaries in the city.
Christmas Songs Detailing the Sordid Saga of Santa’s Elfskin Boots
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) Hush! Santa will hear our plotting, He’s gone mad, brain is rotting. We should organize a coup, Before he makes new boots from you.
How to Wrap Your Gifts to Make It Look Like You Spent Time Thinking of What to Buy
Strategic Rips and Tears in the Packaging: Claim that the present must have gotten damaged in transit due to it being shipped from a far-away exotic place, like Hartford.