Is this Jack? Hi Jack! My name is Marianne, I’m calling from Great Lakes Student Loan Services and totally legitimate carpet cleaning business. How are you today? I don’t actually fucking care how you are, idiot. You owe us your life, and I am going to guilt you into submission like a wobbly puppy during this strangely polite five-minute phone call. I can actually hear in your trembling breath that your stomach has just dropped, is that correct? Great! Do you have five minutes to talk, you broke-down deadbeat loser? Great!

Before we continue, I have to let you know that this call is being recorded for quality assurance.

So, dummy. I’m looking at your account, and it appears you currently have a past-due amount on your tri-weekly billing statement of one-hundred twenty-two thousand dollars and sixty-three cents. Yeesh, that’s one horse-tit amount of money, right? You’ll never have that amount of money at once in your entire useless life. And yet ironically it’s exactly what we gave you, and now you owe it back to us several times over. You must feel like a right wasted time of a person. Is that correct? Wonderful! Can you please verify your address for me?

Now, in order for you to avoid interest on this account, I need to remind you that this is a law school loan, meant to be used by law school students for law school. Did you attend law school? Really? That’s interesting, because if you had, you would obviously be able to pay this absurd amount of money on a regular basis, because all lawyers are rich guys who wear suits and get jobs immediately in big fancy law firms and never pay rent and drive around in Land Rovers. I know this for a fact because I watch the USA Network. Do you currently get the USA Network? I see. I’ll make a note of that in your account.

Does your work phone number still end in 5284? Ok, so you do have a job.

It is very important to address your past-due amount. Are able to pay that today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year. And since you are currently working in your dream job with a wife who has no demands, we think it’s a very reasonable amount. In fact, I just recently blew my nose and a 10 karat gold bar fell out of my face, as we assume is the case with every person in the world. Have you tried blowing your nose recently? Uh huh. Has your wife tried blowing her nose, or any other dependents?

I see, and I fully understand where you are coming from you lying, irresponsible child. Well, why don’t we talk about your options.

First, there’s an income-based repayment program. In this program, we will deduct literally ninety-nine percent from your already sad paycheck. This will be in place until your loan is sufficiently paid off (never), no matter how much money you ever make in your entire wasted “career”. The benefit of this program is that—just kidding it’s awful. All your money is now our money. You made this bed, guy. Now you sleep in it. How does that sound to you?

Well, your other option is for me to put a temporary forbearance on your account. This means you can sleep tonight, and we won’t be coming to break your wrist and kill your cat today, but if you don’t make any changes to your account very soon you will have nothing left to pet with your limp, misshapen arms. Say goodbye to Mr. Puffin because we are going to turn him into a lampshade. This is many customers’ preferred option. Is that ok?

Thank you, that’s wonderful news! I’ll go ahead and make those changes for you, you hapless bum!

For your convenience, and to act as a gloomy horror forever dangling over your entire world, I am going to send a transcript of our conversation to your email. With your permission, I will also be sharing this conversation with your former law school professors, your parents, and having it played aloud at your funeral while we pass around a collection plate to all your family and friends asking them to make up for your failing, you pathetic loss of a person. Can I just confirm your email real quick?

Terrific. Is there anything else we can help you with today? Thank you so much for your business, Jack. We genuinely enjoy it. Genuinely. Have a wonderful day!

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