A good late night host can do three things: make you laugh, make you think, and make a snap decision for which audience members are worthy of one of the limited lifeboat seats, should the cruise ship upon which all late-night programming is filmed begin sinking.
A great late night host can do all of those things and be a supportive husband and father to your family unit, which has recently lost its patriarch. Face facts; your dad’s six feet underground because he called the Monster Truck Rally he attended a “subpar performance” without realizing he was standing right behind one of the drivers. He immediately had a heart attack and died when realized his faux pas. But who better to replace dear old dad than a late night comedy host, a person who is charismatic, funny, and probably screams at their unpaid interns (it would be an honor to receive their barrage of insults)? I have weighed the pros and cons of some of the biggest names in late night taking over for your father below.
Jimmy Fallon — The Tonight Show
Hubba hubba! Jimmy is 78 years old, but you wouldn't know it by looking at him. From the pep in his step to his penchant for shouting his trademark catchphrase (“Eat my shorts, vaccine doctors!”), Jimmy is truly an old soul in a young man’s body. The members of The Roots would also be a part of your life if Jimmy was your father. You wouldn’t be super close with them, but you would be close enough that they’d give you a birthday card with a few bucks thrown in it every year. Jimmy Fallon would be an excellent choice to fill the size 4 loafers your dad left behind.
James Corden — The Late Late Show
James Corden is the bad boy of late night comedy, as we all know. Most recently, Corden found himself in hot water over his comments that he deserves a Purple Heart because of a Carpool Karaoke gone awry, in which an inebriated Billy Joel grabbed the steering wheel from him and crashed the car. Corden certainly would be cool as hell, unlike your late father, whose pleated khakis became fused to his body after a pack of cough drops melted in the pocket. However, Corden’s recklessness would likely not make for the best father or husband.
Maria Menounos — First Look
If Maria is half as good at treating you like her child and being married to your 70-year-old mother as she is at dishing out the latest scoop on Hollywood’s hottest projects, she’s going to be an ideal replacement for your father. She’s certainly different from him though. While she loves the cinema, the only film your father ever saw was an animation of a Noise-o-Meter on the jumbotron at an Islanders game, and he didn’t care for it. A lot of times when I buy my ticket to a movie, once First Look is over, I just go home; I’ve already seen the real show. Menounos has been taking huge amounts of HGH of late in hopes to intimidate moviegoers into watching the projects she promotes. Her strength would be beneficial to you, as she could beat up the parents of any child who dares bully you.
Joey Moretti — Greenville Middle School Monday Morning Announcements
Never one to skimp on his studies, but still one of the most prolific pranksters Greenville Middle has ever seen, Joey is the perfect marriage of charisma and intelligence. Unfortunately, since he is only 14-years-old (an entire century younger than your father was when he passed away), he would not make a very good surrogate for your father. It’s true, he and your old man both share the same favorite beverage (glass of lemonade with a penny thrown at the bottom) but the similarities end there. Furthermore, Joey couldn’t even seal the deal and ask Sydney Richards out, one of the most popular girls in school, even after he found out definitively that she had a crush on him. A guy like that just doesn’t have the stones to marry your elderly mother, simple as that. Plus, Joey is too small for you to ride on his shoulders and he doesn’t even have a summer job. Good luck getting this guy to buy you a souvenir next time you go to the zoo.
Mrs. Doubtfire — None (For Now)
Okay, so technically Mrs. Doubtfire isn’t a late night host, but come on. The networks can’t ignore a surefire bet like her forever. I am so confident that Mrs. Doubtfire will have her own late night talk show in the next five years that I have hired an assassin to kill me if she doesn’t (and if she does get the gig, the assassin has to post a photo of the two of us on his Instagram with a caption that implies we are very close friends). Plus, she’s great with kids. However, Mrs. Doubtfire’s alter-ego, Daniel, got a divorce because his wife considered him unreliable, and financially irresponsible. Therefore, she would be an excellent parent, but a poor spouse.