Nothing says Happy Halloween like scantily clad, horny women who want nothing else than to act sinfully. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and downright evil. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like… well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let's be honest here, the only reason an adult male (who can buy as much candy as he wants) would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
It's pretty obvious that supernatural forces are at work when you’re having sex with Charlize Theron and you're imagining another woman.So in honor of Halloween, I'm going to step out of character a bit and repossess my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don't judge my costume and I won't call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let's just try and appreciate each other's costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It's not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by the idea of a woman who wants nothing more than to embrace immorality and sin, but throw in the notion that she's willing to do absolutely anything he desires and you'd be surprised at how quickly men will ignore the fact that she's really an evil bitch. Even if it's a woman who could easily be classified as completely heinous, one thing's for certain, men love female Demons/Devils.
In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Zombies and the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, so naturally, this year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Demons/Devils, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how hellish their movie or show was.
5. Connie Nielsen as Christabella Andreoli in Devil's Advocate (1997)
The look in her eye almost incests on you fucking her.
This movie is about an undefeated Florida lawyer named Kevin Lomax, played by Keanu ("Whoa") Reeves, who gets offered a job with a high-end prestigious law firm in New York City. Initially the job is to utilize Kevin's uncanny ability to pick a jury, but it quickly becomes clear that there are strange things afoot at the Circle-K… er… I mean ulterior motives at play. Just after the jury delivers a rather rapid "not guilty" verdict, Kevin is introduced to the senior partner of the firm, John (Rufus) Milton, played by Al Pacino. John offers Kevin everything he and his wife, Mary Ann, played by Charlize Theron, could ever want in the form of a partnership at the firm, a huge New York apartment to live in and an extremely obscene salary. Kevin, who came from small town humble beginnings, jumps at the opportunity and moves him and his wife to New York, despite the warnings given by his Evangelical Christian mother… and his most excellent friend Bill. Seriously, I can't be the only one who is constantly waiting for Keanu Reeves to say "Excellent" in every single movie he's in, can I?
Needless to say, things become bogus, heinous and non-triumphant rather quickly as Kevin starts working incessantly while neglecting his displaced wife who then starts seeing all the other wives of the firm's lawyers as demons. To make matters even worse, Kevin starts fantasizing about one of the other top lawyers at the firm, Christabella Andreoli, played by Connie Nielsen. It's pretty obvious that supernatural forces are at work when you're having sex with Charlize Theron and you're imagining another woman, even if it is Connie Nielsen.
Eventually, Kevin's wife goes insane, just after John rapes and mutilates her (I mean, who wouldn't, right? Go insane I mean! Not the way you thought I meant it, pervert! Jeez!) and she ends up killing herself. His mother, being ever sensitive, then proceeds to tell Kevin that John Milton is his dad. So naturally, he goes to confront his dad and after getting confirmation that John raped his wife, Kevin tries to shoot him, but of course the bullets have no effect and he finally understands that John is in fact Satan. Whoa… bummer dude! However, not as big of a major buzzkill as finding out the woman you've been fantasizing about all this time is actually your sister. Whoa! Major incestual bummer, dude!
However, that doesn't stop John from trying to convince Kevin to still have sex with his sister so that she can father the Anti-Christ. Now I don't want to get all technical here, but isn't Kevin, being the son of the devil and a human woman, actually the Anti-Christ already? Whatever, never mind, who cares about logistics as long as Connie Nielsen gets naked and lies down on an alter? Except, free will is a bitch and Kevin decides to shoot himself in the head instead of fucking his sister.
Personally, I don't know what's more disappointing when it comes to this movie, the fact that no one ever actually got to fuck Connie Nielsen, or that she didn't yell, "You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!" when Satan's games caused Kevin to shoot himself. Either way, I guess the moral of the story is to just be excellent to each other. And… PARTY ON, DUDES!
Oh and Connie Nielsen, you have one bodacious body, you can lie on my altar any day.
4. Tia Carrere as Akivasha aka Nalissa in Kull the Conqueror (1997)
There's absolutely no doubt that I'd rule behind her.
Okay, I know I said it didn't matter how hellish their movies were, but if it wasn't for Tia Carrere this movie would have been actually painful to watch. It "stars" Kevin Sorbo, playing Kull, a barbarian warrior who becomes king by defeating the previous king in combat. The previous king's remaining heirs, however, conspire to overthrow him and reclaim their birthright by resurrecting a 3000 year old evil sorceress demon named Akivasha, played by Tia Carrere. Akivasha magically seduces Kull into marrying her, which only adds to the unbelievable ridiculous nature of this movie… as if Tia Carrere would need magic to seduce anyone! Akivasha then fucks Kull on their wedding night and then magically makes him unresponsive and dead asleep, which again probably didn't require magic either.
With the new king seemingly fucked to death, she becomes queen by default, because let's face it, any woman who can fuck like that, does absolutely rule. Anyway, eventually she wakes Kull up and offers him immortality and the chance to rule with her, which he promptly turns down. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but since he was already willing to rule with her, when he married her, I guess he really just doesn't want to fuck her for eternity.
See? I told you this movie was painfully ridiculous, I mean, who wouldn't want to fuck Tia Carrere for eternity? I know I would, but then maybe it's the fact that Tia Carrere is a long haired, mixed race, Asian American (Hawaiian, Chinese, Spanish and Filipino) which we all know from past articles, I have a severe weakness for. Or maybe it's the fact that she's an ex-Catholic school girl (attended Sacred Hearts Academy) who very clearly has a dark and naughty side to her, which let's face it, everyone has a weakness for. Or maybe it's just the fact that she's fucking hot as hell and not just in this role, but in every single movie or television show she does. Whatever the case, the idea of anyone, even someone as stupid as Kull the Conqueror, NOT wanting to fuck her for eternity is just too ludicrous for me to even bother telling you the rest of the movie. Just watch it, Tia Carrere is in it, which is reason enough to check it out, but she also just happens to be horny in every way possible.
Tia Carrere, I'll take you in any era and keep those fires burning down below for all eternity.
3. Jennifer Love Hewitt as The Devil in Shortcut to Happiness (2003)
It's hard to believe anyone would ever have any objections to whatever this woman says.
This movie is about a down on his luck writer named Jabez Stone, played by Alec Baldwin, who is unsuccessful in just about every way possible. (I mean, we can't all be fantastically successful writers, am I right?) Unable to publish his writing, Jabez reaches rock bottom when his friend, Julius Jensen, played by Dan Aykroyd, finds success. In his desperation he states that he would sell his soul to trade places with his friend and just when he thought he couldn't sink any lower, he throws his typewriter out the window, killing an elderly woman in the process. Just then, his doorbell rings and he finds Jennifer Love Hewitt standing on his doorstep in a red leather trench coat.
After she magically fixes his broken window and gets rid of the investigating police men, she lets on that she is the devil and will offer him ten years of success for the price of his mortal soul. I bet Diana Napolis (a.k.a. Karen Curio Jones) had a fucking field day with this movie! Never mind, moving on… To alleviate any reservations and guilt Jabez is having, she then brings the elderly woman back to life, as a demonstration of what she is capable of. Because apparently, magically fixing broken windows just isn't as impressive as it used to be. Personally, if Jennifer Love Hewitt showed up at my doorstep wearing a red leather trench coat, I'd probably just agree, right then and there, to whatever she wanted, but then that's just me.
After finally realizing that she has the power to give him everything he ever wanted, he agrees to the exchange and asks if he should sign something. She responds by opening her trench coat, revealing her extremely low cut, little, black dress and then jumps on top of him to consummate the deal. Not for nothing, but in the future, she might want to lead with the fact that fucking her is how they seal the deal and just forgo the magical window fixing and resurrection bullshit, you know, in the interest of time management and high throughput soul gathering. Just saying.
Anyway, after she leaves, everything turns around for Jabez Stone and he obtains instant fame, success, wealth and women. However, as with most deals made with the devil, it doesn't go according to plan and he eventually realizes that he ultimately is still empty and dissatisfied with his life. By the way, did I mention that he got to fuck Jennifer Love Hewitt? Oh… I did? Yeah, okay, I just thought I'd throw that out there again in case anyone was beginning to believe the whole dissatisfied with life horseshit.
So like the whiny little bitch that he apparently is, he ends up taking her to court over the matter… bizarre, completely fucked up, unethical, supernatural court to be exact, where he eventually wins his soul back, thanks to Anthony Hopkins. So what have we learned from this movie? Basically, if Jennifer Love Hewitt shows up at your door in a red leather trench coat, agree to whatever she says, fuck her brains out and then sue her in order to feel satisfied with your life. God bless the judicial system.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, you can use psychotronic, cybertronic, or any other kind of weaponry you want, in order to control my mind and manipulate my body, as long as we get to fuck to seal the deal first.
2. Elizabeth Hurley as The Devil in Bedazzled (2000)
There wouldn't be any idle hands associated with this Devil, that's for damned sure!
Elliot Richards, played by Brenden Fraser, is a geeky, awkward and hopeless Synedyne technical support nerd with no friends and absolutely no romantic prospects. However, that doesn't stop him from having a lovesick crush on his co-worker Alison Gardner, played by Frances O'Connor, who doesn't even know he exists. After being teased and goaded, into trying to talk to Alison, by some of the other company employees, Elliot completely strikes out with Alison and utters the words, "Dear God, I would give anything to have that girl in my life."
Enter Elizabeth Hurley, in a smoking hot, little, red dress which is just one of countless delicious outfits she wears in this movie. Seriously, the costume designer of this movie, Deena Appel, deserves an award for every single flawlessly sexy costume that Elizabeth Hurley appears in…(slow clap) Well done, Deena, well done indeed! Anyway, what was I saying? Oh right, I was talking about entering Elizabeth Hurley…er I mean Elizabeth Hurley's entry… er… Phew, is it hot in here, or is Hugh Grant completely fucking crazy for cheating on Elizabeth Hurley with some ratchet ass hooker?
Anyway, after Hurley reveals that she is the devil, she offers Elliot seven wishes for the price of his soul. Now normally, when it comes to women, obviously you don't want to contract a single thing, but in this case I'd probably jump at the chance. Elliot, after a little convincing, signs the contract and wishes to be with Alison. Of course, because she's the devil, Hurley doesn't grant Elliot's wish without a wicked little twist. In fact, she doesn't grant any of Elliot's wishes to be with Alison without a catch of some kind, which is likely why she provided him with a little red pager to call her and eject from the wish.
Time after time and sinfully seductive outfit after sinfully seductive outfit, Hurley brings Elliot back to reality just before everything crashes down around him. In the end, Elliot uses his last remaining wish for Alison to have a happy life and due to a technicality in his contract, which states if he commits one truly benevolent act then the contract is void, he gets to keep his soul.
After escaping eternity in hell, Elliot has some newly found confidence and asks Alison out again only to find out that she's seeing someone. However, when he goes home, he discovers that he has a new neighbor, named Nicole, who not only looks exactly like Alison, but is equally as dorky as Elliot ever was and they live happily ever after. Personally, eternity with Elizabeth Hurley prancing around in skimpy little sexy costumes seems like happily ever after to me, but then I'm a horny little devil myself.
Elizabeth Hurley, just say the word and I'll gladly dip my pen in your inkwell.
1. Megan Fox as Jennifer Check in Jennifer's Body (2009)
Eat your heart out, or she'll do it for you.
To be honest, I almost feel bad for Elizabeth Hurley now, because I REALLY wanted to give her the number one spot, but I couldn't in good conscious ignore the fact that Megan Fox played a succubus in Jennifer's Body. I mean, it's fucking Megan Fox, she'd win the title of sexiest demon woman just for showing up and I'm not just basing that on her actual personality. Megan Fox is about as sexy as it comes, but in this movie, she's quite literally to die for. She plays Jennifer Check, a confident and self-absorbed high school cheerleader in a small rural town. That's right, you read that correctly, Megan Fox in a cheerleading outfit. Need I say more for you to see this movie?
Her best friend and the narrator of the story is Anita "Needy" Lesnicki, an insecure, nerdy teenager played by Amanda Seyfried, who does just about everything Jennifer says. One night, the two of them go to a local dive bar to see an indie rock band who unbeknownst to them are playing there to find a sacrificial victim to use in a demonic ritual in order to become famous. After the club mysteriously burns down and everyone is in shock, the band convinces Jennifer to get into their creepy van and drives off.
Later that night, Jennifer shows up at Needy's house, covered in blood, acting like a bizarre ravenous animal and pukes up weird, black, spiky fluid all over the kitchen before leaving. The next day at school, Jennifer acts like nothing happened and when Needy questions her about it, she plays it off like Needy is just over reacting. While the whole town is grieving over the loss of all the people who died in the bar fire, Jennifer seduces the football captain only to eat him alive and not in a good way. Then a month later (yeah, they kind of just gloss over an entire month) Jennifer, apparently needing further nourishment, seduces, kills and eats the school's token emo kid. Then Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried make out….
Seriously, lez be honest, does it really matter what happens after that? Fine, whatever, but what's really the point? You're still thinking about Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried making out, or maybe that's just me. Anyway, Jennifer explains that the band needed a virgin for their sacrifice and because Jennifer wasn't a virgin (Um, Duh!) the ritual allowed a demonic spirit to take over her body, effectively turning her into a succubus. But who are we kidding, Jennifer was probably a succubus before, I mean she's easily sucked off an entire bus load of people, am I right?
Jennifer then seduces Needy's boyfriend, Chip, whom she eventually kills causing Needy to go after Jennifer with a vengeance. Because Needy is a nerd and nerds do their research, she already knows that Jennifer can be killed by stabbing her in the heart when she is weak and hasn't fed in a while. So Needy goes to Jennifer's house, when Jennifer is hungry, which results in a Megan Fox/Amanda Seyfried cat fight on Jennifer's bed ending in Jennifer's last words, "My tit" after Needy stabs her in the heart. Okay fine, maybe Megan Fox didn't just show up to win the title of sexiest demon woman, but rather seduced, wrestled, clawed and bit her way to the top of the list and I'm just talking about how she acted with her female co-star, let alone her male ones.
Megan Fox, feel free to devour me whenever you want.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Demons/Devils, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to exorcise my right to give a brief honorable mention to some devilishly sexy women, who didn't make the final cut, but it would be a sin not to mention.
Amelia (Mimi) Kinkade as Angela in Night of the Demons (1988)
Emma Caulfield as Anyanka in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Wish (1998-2003)
Emmanuelle Seigner as The Girl in The Ninth Gate (1999)
Heidi Mark as Darla in Charmed: She's a Man, Baby, a Man! (1999)
Bai Ling and Heather Stephens as Jhiera and Shari in Angel: She (2000)
Kimberly James as Lina in Angel: War Zone (2000)
Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase in Angel: Birthday (2003)
Ashanti as Lissa in Buffy The Vampire Slayer: First Date (2003)
Amy Acker as Illyria in Angel: A Hole in the World (2004)
Jodi Lyn O'Keefe as The Spider Demon in Charmed: Spin City (2004)
Nicki Aycox and Rachel Miner as Meg in Supernatural (2005-2012)
Katie Cassidy, Genevieve Cortese, Anna Williams and Michelle Hewitt-Williams as Ruby in Supernatural (2006-2011)
Katie Cassidy and Katherine Boecher as Lilith in Supernatural (2006-2009)
Natalie Denise Sperl as Lilith in Succubus: Hell-Bent (2007)
Sasha Barrese as Casey in Supernatural (2007)
Shannon Elizabeth as Angela in Night of the Demons (2009)
Anna Silk as Bo in Lost Girl (2010-2014)
GIna Varela as Helena/Demon in The Devil's Rock (2011)
Lily Rabe as Sister Mary Eunice in American Horror Story: Asylum (2012-2013)
Alaina Huffman, Sharon Bell and Anna Galvin as Abaddon in Supernatural (2013-2014)
I'm sorry devil women, as wicked as your beauty may be, I had to banish you to the underworld in order to keep it under five. Besides, what's the worst thing you could do to me, tempt and seduce me into spending eternity with you? Call me crazy, but somehow the idea of a morally wrong and sinful woman, doesn't scare me in the least.
So to all the frightfully sexy, seductive, smoking hot, female demons/devils out there, I say, "Get me behind thee!"
Happy Halloween everyone!
More in the “Sexiest Halloween Series”: