Nothing says Happy Halloween like sexy, bewitching women casting their spell over you with the raw power that nature granted them. There's just something magical about Halloween that conjures up a powerful force within people, causing them to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like…well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let's be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
To the deliciously wicked ladies of The Craft, I say, "While some of you may be more bitchy than witchy, you can all ride my broomstick any day."So in honor of Halloween, I'm going to step out of character a bit and reprise my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don't judge my costume and I won't call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let's just try and appreciate each other's costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
Women have always wielded a magical power over men that can bring us to our knees, even though ironically they often cast those spells while on theirs. Perhaps men really are just the weaker sex…or maybe wise women just know that men are weaker AFTER sex. In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires and the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, so naturally, this year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how much their movie or show actually put you to sleep (magically of course).
5. Neve Campbell, Fairuza Balk, Robin Tunney and Rachel True as Bonnie, Nancy, Sarah and Rochelle in The Craft (1996)
Their idea of a good time: "It's when you call him… It's like you take him into you. It's like he fills you."
What's the only thing better than a Catholic school girl gone bad? Four Catholic school girls gone bad, that's what! This movie is about a troubled teenager with supernatural powers who moves to a new city and quickly makes friends with a trio of outcast girls rumored to be witches. The four women come together…and…and…wait, what was I saying? I'm sorry, I got distracted after thinking of them coming together. Oh right…and practice black magic. After performing a few magical parlor tricks they turn to the serious business of invoking Manon. Now personally, I have never heard of a Catholic school girl who couldn't easily invoke "Man-on" simply by showing up in her uniform, but that's just me. Regardless, they go through an elaborate ritual blah blah blah…four women, Catholic school girl, cat fight.
I'm not going to lie, most of the women in this list are probably more mesmerizing than these four, but it's tough to not give the number five spot to four Catholic school girls tapping into their dark powers. I mean let's face it, tapping Catholic school girls is pretty much every red-blooded male's fantasy, am I right?
So to the deliciously wicked ladies of The Craft, I say, "While some of you may be more bitchy than witchy, you can all ride my broomstick any day."
4. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman as Sally Owens and Gillian Owens in Practical Magic (1998)
Sally Owens: "Since when is being a slut a crime in this family?"
This romantic comedy centers around the Owens sisters Sally and Gillian as they struggle to overcome a family curse while navigating their magical gifts. However, in trying to discover true love, the sisters run into a little trouble after accidentally killing Gillian's abusive boyfriend Jimmy.
If someone were to describe Sandra Bullock or Nicole Kidman, having never seen this movie before, I'm almost positive the words "bewitching," "charming," or simply "magical" would still be used. There is just something about these women that is captivating and spellbinding. You almost can't even blame creepy, gross Jimmy for trying the line, "I'm really into sisters" more than once in the movie. Ironically, the second time he used that angle he was actually IN one of the sisters via possession, so I felt it was a little redundant stating it at that particular moment, but then again they did kill him twice so I guess it's a little silly to preach redundancy to him.
On a side note, I appreciate this movie, because I feel it was a major contributing factor to the slightly dark psyche of Evan Rachel Wood, who plays Kylie, one of Sally's daughters—and when I say slightly dark psyche, I mean that in a good way. Evan Rachel Wood went on to date Marilyn Manson (inspiring some of his music), and also played a sultry vampire queen in True Blood. I can't help but feel that starring in Practical Magic at a young age might have contributed to Evan Rachel Wood's path in life, even if only just a little.
The only other thing I have to say about the movie Practical Magic is just two simple words, "Midnight Margaritas!"
Ladies, you can do whatever you want with my coconuts as long as you keep dancing enchantingly around the kitchen in pigtails and sexy sleep wear.
3. Britt Robertson, Phoebe Tonkin, Shelley Hennig and Jessica Parker Kennedy as Cassie Blake, Faye Chamberlain, Diana Meade and Melissa in The Secret Circle (2011- )
Natasha Henstridge is such a stark contrast to most principals that it's almost like she's a different species.
This show follows Cassie Blake, a teenager whose mother dies in what she believes is an accident, leaving her orphaned. Cassie then moves to the fictional town of Chance Harbor, Washington to live with her grandmother, and it isn't long before strange things start to happen. At her new high school, Cassie encounters several mysterious teenagers who eventually explain that they are all descended from powerful witches, and they've been waiting for Cassie to join them in order to complete a new generation of the Secret Circle.
While still relatively new, this show is just oozing with sex appeal. Cassie Blake is all hot and bothered for Diana Meade's boyfriend Adam, who in return is obviously lusting after Cassie, despite the fact that he's involved with the circle's leader, Diana. You've got smoking hot, bad girl, femme fatale Faye Chamberlain who's just itching to cause tension and trouble everywhere she goes. Faye is the daughter of the high school principal, Dawn Chamberlain, played by Natasha Henstridge, who is obviously up to no good and in cahoots with Diana's dad. Faye's best friend Melissa is an insecure mean girl sidekick who hooks up with the circle's bad boy Nick in the second episode, who just happens to have a direct view into Cassie's bedroom window from his. Oh by the way, did I mention that whenever anyone in this group does magic they start getting sexually aroused?
My only complaint about this series thus far is the way they cast their magic, merely by saying mundane phrases, which pales in comparison to speaking in tongues as far as being hot goes. That said, only two episodes in, I've seen Phoebe Tonkin in a little red dress and combat boots, soaking wet in the rain, and Jessica Parker Kennedy in her bra and panties, so I'm really not complaining about anything here.
Not for nothing, but I wouldn't mind binding the women of The Secret Circle if it will help unlock their potency.
2. Holly Marie Combs, Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, Shannen Doherty and Kaley Cuoco as Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Matthews, Prue Halliwell and Billie Jenkins in Charmed (1998-2006)
It's hard to argue with this show's concept of heaven, which is watching these women at all times while being their "handy" man.
This show ran for eight years, featuring the Halliwell sisters kicking ass and taking names against the forces of evil, all the while looking smokin' hot. Frankly, the only way I know how to describe the sexual allure of these women is to discuss some of their main magical powers.
Prue Halliwell has the power to move things, which for Shannen Doherty isn't really a big mental leap, since she has always moved parts of me. Prue also developed the ability to be in two places at once while one of herselves was unconscious, which technically means she could have sex all night long and still get a good night's sleep, or maybe be in a really twisted threesome.
Phoebe Halliwell has the ability to levitate things, which Alyssa Milano usually does just by showing up. Phoebe can also see into your pants— PAST! I meant see into your past! Phoebe eventually could also see the future and thus could never be surprised when you are coming…cough…to see her. And oh yeah, she's incredibly flexible and acrobatic too.
Piper Halliwell can speed stuff up or slow things down according to her desires and even freeze parts of a person's body. Actually, I'm sure Holly Marie Combs has made parts of many a man completely stiff, just by being in the room with them. Piper also has the ability to violently blow things…cough…up, causing them to explode.
Paige Matthews has the power to move things by orbing, which isn't surprising since Rose McGowan's orbs are not only shimmery white, but nothing short of other worldly. Paige's orbs can even transport her to other places. Paige can also glamour, which means she can create the illusion of being anyone else, literally making her possibly every person's fantasy. It's no wonder Paige can also make you feel better just by laying her hands on you.
Billie Jenkins also has the power to move things, which again, if you have seen Kaley Cuoco, is not a huge mental leap. Speaking of huge leaps, Billie is also incredibly flexible, acrobatic and can even perform gravity-defying maneuvers. Billie can also manipulate reality, creating duplicates of herself and her hot sister Christy Jenkins, played by Marnette Patterson. In addition, Billie has the ability to amplify the power of things…cough…orgasms…cough.
Despite the extreme sexual allure of these women, the only reason I didn't give The Charmed Ones the number one slot in this list was because the next set of witches took the idea of "the power of three will set you free" to a WHOLE new level.
1a. Michelle Pfeiffer, Cher and Susan Sarandon as Sukie Ridgemont, Alexandra Medford and Jane Spofford in The Witches of Eastwick (1987)
Not for nothing, Daryl, but I think most men like a little pussy after lunch.
Three women in a small New England town conjure up the man of their dreams, who unlocks their confidence and sexual potency just by showing up and being vulgar, crude, crass, brazen, arrogant and simply speaking his mind. He manages to seduce each one separately and then magically ends up with all three of them. I mean come on, if that isn't most men's dream, I don't know what is!
Okay sure, they end up trying to kill him and eventually banish him using all the power he unleashed, but I dare say it might have been well worth it. When you break it down, he got to fuck each of their brains out; have a foursome with a blond, a brunette, and a redhead; and his biggest punishment was that he got to live in the television for eternity while watching them raise his children. Yeah, a lot of guys would consider that a pretty wickedly successful endeavor. I'm just sayin'.
Yes, this horny little devil wouldn't mind harnessing the sexual power of The Witches of Eastwick any day!
1b. Rebecca Romijn, Lindsay Price and Jaime Ray Newman as Roxie Torcoletti, Joanna Frankel and Kat Gardener in Eastwick (2009-2010)
I scream, you scream, we all scream for Neapolitan ice cream.
Let's see here, what's the one thing I would change about the formula of The Witches of Eastwick? That's easy, I would make the brunette an Asian woman…. Oh heeeeello Lindsay Price! Hey, not to be greedy, but while we're changing stuff, since us men are all imagining ourselves as Daryl Van Horne, can we NOT be an overweight slob of a man? Paul Gross, you say? But I have to have Veronica Cartwright there again? Sure, why not, anything is better than looking like Jack Nicholson.
You know what would also be really cool is if Eastwick had more of a Gilmore Girls town feeling to it, so that I actually WANT to live there, instead of being in Bible thumper land. Oh, it's filmed on the original set of Gilmore Girls? Excellent!
Also, since you're in such a generous mood, can we have them NOT try and do away with Daryl Van Horne, thus giving the illusion that he could still end up getting to have all three of these smokin' hot women for eternity? WAIT, I DIDN'T MEAN CANCEL THE SHOW PREMATURELY! Come on ABC, when it comes to three sexy, hot, sultry, women at the same time, NOTHING done prematurely is a good thing! Shit!
I guess I shouldn't have been greedy, but when it comes to The Witches of Eastwick, isn't it about having it all?! I mean, just like the Brides of Dracula from Van Helsing, the Witches of Eastwick are the sexual Neapolitan of the witch world: ice cold, delicious, sinful, and best of all, blond, brunette, and redhead at the same time, so you can have all three flavors at once!
Curses! I guess when it comes to Eastwick, there is only one "season of the witch," and they have certainly left my stake burning for more of these three sexy witches.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Witches/Covens, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to take this opportunity to give a brief honorable mention to some "individual" sizzling hot witches who really should also be included.
Kelly Preston as Miranda Reed in Spellbinder (1988)
Tia Carrere as Akivasha in Kull the Conqueror (1997)
Miranda Richardson as Mab, Queen of the Old Ways in Merlin (1998)
Lena Olin and Emmanuelle Seigner As Liana Telfer and The Girl in The Ninth Gate (1999)
Kelly Hu as The Sorceress in The Scorpion King (2002)
Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson as Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)
Aishwarya Rai as Tilo in The Mistress of Spices (2005)
Monica Bellucci as The Mirror Queen in The Brothers Grimm (2005)
Tilda Swinton as Jadis the White Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia (2005)
Emma Watson, Katie Leung and Helena Bonham Carter as Hermione Granger, Cho Chang and Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (2010-2011)
Katie McGrath as Morgana in Merlin (2008- )
Kat Graham as Bonnie Bennett in The Vampire Diaries (2009- )
I'm sorry ladies, but I just couldn't in good faith take up an entire spot with just one sexy witch when I could get multiple sexy witches together for the price of one. I guess it just goes to show you that witches really are way more potent when they're in a coven.
To all the wickedly hot witches out there, and to your raw sexual power, I say, "Blessed be!"
Happy Halloween everyone!
More in the “Sexiest Halloween Series”: