Nothing says Happy Halloween like drop dead gorgeous women that can only be described as simply to die for. There's something delicious that happens to people on Halloween that causes them to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like…well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let's be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
So in honor of Halloween, I'm going to step out of character a bit and resurrect my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don't judge my costume and I won't call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let's just try and appreciate each other's costumes in all their extreme glory. Besides, for this article, I'll try to be as tasteful as is humanly possible. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It's not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by the idea of a woman who wants nothing more than to devour him, but throw in the guarantee that she's going to swallow and it becomes readily obvious he isn't using his brain anymore. So whether it's one woman or a whole hoard of women clamoring over one another to get a guy's head in their mouth, one thing's for certain: men love female zombies. In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, and the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens, so naturally, this year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Zombies, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how much their movie or show actually bites.
5. Emma Bell as Amy in The Walking Dead – Wildfire (2010)
The woman of your dreams. Sure those dreams may be nightmares, but it still counts…it still counts.
I want to go on record and say that The Walking Dead television series is the greatest thing to hit the zombie genre, possibly ever. The show is well-written, high paced, extremely dramatic, has fabulous special effects, and is more tense than a person, surrounded by zombies, who just ran out of bullets. If you are a fan of zombies then I highly recommend watching it; and if you're not a fan of zombies, then what the hell are you doing here? The Walking Dead is nothing short of riveting and if I'm lying, I'm dying, but if I'm dying, I'm lying with Emma Bell first.
Everyone's heard the expression, "Live fast, die young and leave a pretty corpse." Well, Amy from The Walking Dead embodies that expression quite literally. She lived fast, granted it was mostly running and screaming from zombies, but still fast. She died young, at the age of 24, having not yet even graduated from college where she apparently studied physical education. Hold on a second, she was a 24-year-old college student studying to be a P.E. teacher? I mean, I know she's blonde, but come on, how long does it take someone to graduate when your major is physical education? I guess for Amy it's all beauty and no brains…literally, because her sister Andrea blows her brains out before she even gets a chance to eat anyone else's. What a shame too, because in addition to being able to fish while looking smokin' hot, Amy was into things like dragons, unicorns, and especially mermaids. Oh Amy, the fantasies you could have fulfilled for some lucky future P.E. student of yours. I guess at the very least you left a damn pretty corpse.
Emma Bell, you can physically educate me any day you want and I promise to keep my heart pumping and my blood flowing for you until you're fully satisfied.
4. Tamara Feldman as Angela Mason in Supernatural – Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (2006)
Who needs houseplants when you have a hot zombie who can nibble on you safely?
You'll have to forgive me, because I've never actually watched this show and thus admittedly don't know a lot about it. To me, Supernatural just seemed like it was about a couple of douchey, overly emotional, angry guys who randomly drive around trying to track down something, or solve some mystery like Scooby Doo for frat boys. In doing research for this article (yup, research. Can you believe I actually do research for this?) I came across this episode as possibly containing a hot zombie girl and decided to watch it. I'm sorry to say, but all my suspicions about this show seem absolutely correct. For whatever reason, these two overly angsty guys spend most of the episode being complete dicks, arguing with each other about nothing. The rest of the time they're either watching porn in hotels or hanging around their car, which may or may not be another character in this show, according to Wikipedia. (Seriously? They call the car "Baby" and describe it as their "life" and "sanctuary." Give me a fucking break, would you?)
Anyway, enough about these two tools. In the fourth episode of the second season, the guys encounter a graveyard mystery surrounding a woman named Angela Mason, who died in a car crash and also happens to be a vengeful hot zombie, because her dirtbag boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate/best friend. Call me crazy, but I can't really blame Angela for wanting to off the two of them in addition to taking out the show's two ridiculous main characters. She's really doing a public service if you think about it. Okay, maybe she's a little high strung, killing the guy who brought her back from the dead and all, but he did sleep with her, lie to her, and then abandon her. I mean, again, I can't say I blame her in her vulnerable state…er…undead invincible, but vulnerable state. As far as attractive female zombies go though, she's pretty decent. She doesn't eat people, which is always a plus, and she really just wants to rid the world of terrible people while having sex with you in the meantime. Angela Mason is also probably the only female zombie who would shrug off a head shot. Just be careful when you're nailing her that it's metaphorically and not literally.
Tamara Feldmen, if you ever have desires that won't stay buried to rid the real world of car obsessed, douchey, frat boys, or anyone stupid enough to cheat on you, you're welcome to crash in my basement anytime.
3. Dania Ramirez and Marin Hinkle as Sadie and Kathy in Quarantine (2008)
You'd almost have to be dead inside to NOT want to eat parts of these women.
Yeah okay, so this is actually two sexy female zombies, but when it comes to zombies it's kind of inevitable for them to start multiplying, resulting in things getting out of hand really quickly. Just be quiet, keep moving, try to keep up and learn to adapt or you'll be rapidly left behind.
I have to say, as far as motion sickness-inducing documentary style horror movies go, this was one of the better executions. I watched this movie on the edge of my seat, barely even noticing that it contained not one, not two, but three attractive women. You know a horror movie is good when it puts you in a constant fight or flight mental state, regardless of all the hotties on the screen. Granted, you don't ever get more than a brief glance at either of these two women as zombies, due to the constant epileptic seizures the cameraman seems to have, but they're ridiculously attractive in real life, so even as zombies they are still pretty good looking. Sure, maybe they're crazy and foaming at the mouth a little, but what guy wouldn't want either of these women ravenously slobbering all over him? I'm sure if it was something else white oozing out of their mouth you wouldn't mind in the least! (Yup, I went there.)
I mean, not for nothing, but I wouldn't mind handcuffing Marin Hinkle to a banister, or being stalked by Dania Ramirez, regardless of the situation. There's also the bonus zombie hottie Jennifer Carpenter as sexy, sassy, reporter Angela Vidal, who technically you never see as a zombie, but it's certainly implied in the end that she'll become one when she's dragged away screaming in the dark. I'd let fireman-tag-along reporter Angela Vidal slide down my fire pole any day…repeatedly…wearing whatever she wants to while doing it. So while you probably missed this movie's trio of hotties, due to the high paced action as everyone goes running and screaming for their lives, they certainly deserve a slot in this list of sexy female zombies.
I can definitely think of much worse things than being quarantined with Dania Ramirez and Marin Hinkle as they attempted to ravage and devour me, all the while clawing and moaning uncontrollably. Just sayin'.
2. Jenny Spain and Candice Accola as Deadgirl and Joann Skinner in Deadgirl (2008)
Like all women, treat them right, or they'll definitely tear you a new one.
To say this movie is disturbing as fuck is definitely an understatement, because it really is disturbing as fuck-ing a zombie. It all starts when a couple of outcast high school guys decide to ditch school and hang out in an abandoned insane asylum…you know, as you do. After trashing the place for a while they decide to explore the lower depths of the hospital only to be chased by an angry dog. While trying to find another way out they happen upon a room containing a naked "deadgirl" chained to a hospital bed…or rather, a naked girl who is actually a zombie, chained to a hospital bed.
Enter Jenny Spain…literally. I'm sorry, that joke was just too easy, almost as easy as a naked zombie girl chained to a bed in the basement of an insane asylum. What isn't easy though is understanding the moral turmoil that Rickie, the main character, is going through. You see, he isn't struggling with the sick twisted idea of fucking a zombie, but rather that the zombie isn't the object of his true affection, his first childhood kiss and now popular girl Joann Skinner played by hottie Candice Accola. In Rickie's mind, the biggest obstacle standing in the way of getting Joann to like him, other than the fact that he and his friends are low life, zombie-fucking, greasy retards, is her dumb jock boyfriend. So after convincing her dumb jock boyfriend to put his dick in the zombie girl's mouth, which of course ends very badly for the dumb jock boyfriend, the only obstacle left becomes his low life, zombie-fucking, greasy retard friends, who incidentally kidnap Joann in order to turn her into a zombie for him. Eureka! Sorted! Moral dilemma totally solved!
So what have we learned from this movie other than the fact that everyone knows you should remove a zombie girl's teeth before putting your dick in her mouth? (I mean, a zombie girl desperately trying to gum you to death isn't THAT unappealing, right?) We learned that Jenny Spain and Candice Accola make really hot zombies. Let's see here…anything else about, oh I don't know, maybe not fucking dead girls you find in the basement of abandoned insane asylums or something? Nope, I guess that's about it then.
You'd have to be insane to not want to chain Jenny Spain and Candice Accola to a bed and have your way with them.
1. Jenna Jameson, Roxy Saint, Penny Drake, Whitney Anderson, Shamron Moore and Jeannette Sousa as Kat, Lilith, Sox, Gaia, Jeannie and Berenge in Zombie Strippers (2008)
Talk about paying an arm and a leg for a lap dance!
Over the years, I've watched a lot of ridiculously bad horror movies as research for these articles, (and you thought I was kidding about that research thing before) but I'm here to tell you that this movie is possibly the most ridiculously bad movie I've seen…ever! And that's saying something. But then what do you expect from a movie called Zombie Strippers starring Jenna Jameson?
However, this article isn't about great movies or shows, it's about smokin' hot zombies. And if there's one thing that is unavoidable when it comes to zombies it's an extremely high body count. So it stands to reason that I have to reluctantly give the number one slot to a movie in which I count no less than six smokin' hot zombie bodies. Truth be told, individually, I'm not sure many of the zombies in this movie could hold a candle to some of the previous ones, but just like any zombie situation, one is easily overwhelmed by sheer numbers.
I've never actually seen any of Jenna Jameson's other "movies" so I can't really say if this is her breakout role, but I can definitely say it's her outbreak role. So basically, there's this underground strip club, which is illegal, because of a constitutional amendment banning public nudity, and the strip club is run by Freddy Kruger. No seriously, I can't make this shit up, the illegal strip club is run by a guy name Ian, who is played by Robert Englund. The strip club is located next to a "fail safe" facility doing research on zombies to be used for the military in order to help with the shortage of troops. Blah blah (does it really matter when the title is Zombie Strippers?) blah… lots of zombies, a military dude gets bit, stumbles into the underground strip club, ends up turning into a zombie, rips out Jenna Jameson's throat, and she then turns into a zombie herself.
Obviously, being a zombie makes Jenna a much better stripper (wait, what?), leading to extreme jealousy amongst the other strippers who then also want to become zombies in order to become better strippers themselves. Between eating the customers and trying to outdo each other on stage, the women blah blah (did I mention the movie was called Zombie Strippers?) blah… more hot zombie stripping. Eventually a cat fight ensues between the top two strippers which is (again, obviously) settled through the use of zombie stripper powers, such as tornado-causing spins on the stripper pole and firing billiard balls out of one's crotch. Then the previously bitten military dude's unit shows up and kills everyone, ruining the good time…er…bad time…er…really fucking weird time.
Whatever, there's six hot zombie strippers in this movie and six hot zombie strippers are better than one or two hot non-stripper zombies, so yeah, they get first place based on a mathematical technicality loophole. Fucking zombie strippers, they never play fair and always win in the end with their augmented assets.
Jenna Jameson, Roxy Saint, Penny Drake, Whitney Anderson, Shamron Moore and Jeannette Sousa, you can work my pole any time you want.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Zombies, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to take this opportunity to give a brief honorable mention to some deadly hot zombie women who either didn't make the final cut, or just weren't fresh enough for this millennium. When it comes to hot zombie women, everyone knows it's better to keep them as fresh and new as possible.
- Allison Hayes as Mona Harrison in Zombies of Mora Tau (1957)
- Naked Zombie in Night of the Living Dead (1968)
- Jeannie Jefferies and Sukey Raphael as Blonde Zombie and Red Pancho Zombie in Dawn of the Dead (1978)
- Linnea Quigley as Trash in Return of the Living Dead (1985)
- Melinda Clarke as Julie Walker in Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)
- Anna Falchi as She in Cemetery Man (1994)
- Michelle Rodriguez as Rain Ocampo in Resident Evil (2002)
- Inna Korobkina and Luigia Zucaro as Luda and Naked Woman in Dawn of the Dead (2004)
- Jennifer Baxter as Number 9 in Land of the Dead (2005)
- Sonja Bennett as Tammy in Fido (2006)
- Heidi Marnhout, Mieko Hillman, Serah D'Laine, Ashley Bashioum, Laura Cayouette, Claudia Katz and Megan Wagner as Emily, Stacy, Cara, Jackie, Dr. Kelly, Nun and Flight Attendant in Flight of the Living Dead (2007)
- The Zombie Women in Zombie Women of Satan (2009)
- Amber Heard as 406 in Zombieland (2009)
- Kathleen Munroe as Janet / Jane O'Flynn in Survival of the Dead (2010)
- Mercedes Masöhn and Bre Blair as Jenny and Paula in Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)
I'm sorry zombie ladies, as infectious as your beauty may be, I had to thin the herd a little somehow. Besides, I don't think any of you should really be questioning my reasoning, since you're all relatively brain dead. People may associate really hot zombie women with having lots of brains, but come on, even the dumbest woman alive can figure out that when head is on the menu, you don't use your fucking teeth!
So to all the sexy, smoking hot, female zombies out there, be warned: as scrumptious as it may seem, you're dead to me if you sink your teeth into my head, even if you do plan on swallowing.
Happy Halloween everyone!
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