Breaking: Criminals filed a tax return in your name and blew your refund on Fortnite skins

Update: Your dog prefers your spouse

Notice: Alexa says your jokes aren’t funny and your singing voice sucks

Warning: You are five years away from becoming completely incontinent

Data leak alert: Your fitting room selfies were just shared with your high school reunion Facebook group

Suspected: Your mother never loved you

Cancellation notice: Your cousin showed Grandma your Finsta and now you’re out of her will

Reminder: Your co-workers know you were the one farting inside the photo booth at last year’s holiday party

Probable: Donald Trump is watching you through your microwave

New! Your ex-boyfriend is laughing at your LinkedIn photo

Caution: Your child’s crossing guard is a meth head

Surprise! That dehumidifier is actually making you sicker

Alert: Your kale is not organic and it never was

Action needed: Those American Girl dolls in your playroom are Russian spies who know all your Internet passwords and half your sexual fantasies

New data breach: Your credit score was just distributed to your past, present, and future employers

Breaking: New legislation leaves you with zero privacy. Ever.