1. When you got your first period.
2. When you got your last period.
3. Whether you really like yourself.
4. What happened to your MySpace account.
5. What your mother-in-law tells her book club about you.
6. Why you argued with your parents last week.
7. What your parents will change in their last will and testament because you argued with them last week.
8. When you last fed your children.
9. Where your children are.
10. Whether you remembered to brush your teeth.
11. Why you got married.
12. If you want to stay married.
13. How often you fart in your sleep.
14. If nocturnal flatulence is the reason you will, or will not, want to stay married.
15. How many data-tracking attributes exist about you and what they say about your love for purchasing exotic houseplants, dark chocolate and shoes after your Wednesday morning online therapy sessions.
16. What your values are.
17. What your values will be ten years from now.
18. Who your first cousin on your mom’s side is.
19. The specific makeup of your DNA.
20. Whether you are entering perimenopause or if it’s just warmer in your apartment than usual.
21. The precise gestational age of your baby.
22. Whether or not your baby will have difficulty bonding with you based on your online purchases.
23. If you still need a calculator for simple addition.
24. Why, on Sunday evenings and Thursday mornings, you have a secret desire to go to clown school.
25. Which clown school is located closest to you.
26. How many times a day you hold your breath.
27. If that new meditation app is helping you learn how to not hold your breath.
28. What your dream kitchen would look like if you did not have so much credit card debt that you try to pay off using another credit card.
29. Why you spent that one Saturday night googling pictures of Larry David.
30. How long you’re willing to read this.