1. My boyfriend and I have traveled all over together. But we’ve never traveled with three teammates to a Rio de Janeiro gas station early in the morning during the 2016 Summer Olympics.
  2. I once lied about having a dairy allergy to avoid stomaching my boyfriend’s mother’s over-cooked quiche. But I’ve never lied about being robbed at gunpoint to avoid admitting to pissing in some bushes outside of a western Rio de Janeiro gas station.
  3. My boyfriend and I love to be spontaneous. Although, we’ve never spontaneously dipped the fuck out of Brazil after being accused of fabricating a robbery during our stop at a gas station in Barra da Tijuca.
  4. My boyfriend was totally taken with me the moment he met me. Ryan Lochte’s teammate Jimmy Feigen’s passport was also totally taken—not by me, but by a Brazilian judge to prevent him from leaving the country in the midst of what was quickly dubbed “Lochtegate.”
  5. 5. One time, my boyfriend and I were removed from our flight to Canada because United overbooked it. But Lochte’s teammates Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger were removed from their flight to the United States, because the Brazilian government blocked them from leaving the country before fully providing testimony about the now infamous gas station incident.
  6. My boyfriend will send me $5 for coffee on occasion. However, he’ll never send a Brazilian charity $10,800 to get his passport back from the government (like Olympic swimmer Jimmy Feigen did).
  7. My boyfriend can’t wear a Speedo because he’ll outshine me in our IG posts. Ryan Lochte can’t wear a Speedo because the brand severed ties with him following an international PR nightmare.
  8. Haters have made comments that my boyfriend and I look like siblings. But former President Barack Obama’s press secretary Josh Earnest has never made comments about whether or not we will be extradited to Brazil based on pending charges acquired during the games of the 31st Olympiad.
  9. My boyfriend and I once got off by role-playing as various Friends characters in the bedroom. Ryan Lochte got off because his lawyer successfully argued that his actions at the Olympics did not constitute falsely reporting a crime based on the Brazilian legal code.
  10. Finally, the first thing that comes to everyone’s minds when they think of me and my boyfriend is simply: “iconic.” The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of Olympic medalist, swimming legend, and bleach-blonde American treasure Ryan Lochte is also simply: “iconic.” In that way, we are the same.

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