Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon says take off your cutesy floral skirt and put on a pair of gender-neutral leather pants.

Simon says stand on one foot, while also juggling four frying pans and reciting today’s history lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill from memory.

Simon says raise your hand tentatively, like you may know the answer to a question. Raising it quickly and confidently is a little showy and no one likes the appearance of a “know it all” (even though you basically do).

Apologize for knowing the answer.

NO! Don’t apologize. Simon did NOT say to do that.

Simon says NOW apologize for knowing the answer and claim it was a lucky guess. You’ll definitely need lots of practice with this on your way to the top.

Simon says smile sweetly at your classmate Susie even though she just tried to steal your favorite crayons. This is called “diplomacy” and will come in handy later as you ascend the career ladder.

Simon says pretend like you’re crying.


Jesus Christ! Simon says stop crying. It’s really not becoming and SHOUTS weakness, instability, and total craziness.

Simon says pick up all your toys. While you’re at it, pick up everyone else’s toys too. This is called “being assertive” and in some circles “your job.”

Simon says answer this math problem: What is 2 + 2?

Incorrect. The answer is not 4, it's 2. How many times have I told you: Things that seem like they should equal something, often times do not in the “other” real world. This fact will prepare you for future expectations around remuneration.

Look at your desk neighbor Jimmy like he just said something really stupid and you want to strangle him.

Ha! Simon didn’t say. Remember, you must always act polite, even when you are surrounded by complete morons.

Simon says hug yourself. You’ll need to perfect this move, because once you become a powerful ice queen no one will want to touch you.

Simon says write your name on the chalkboard 100 times in English, Spanish, and Swahili. This is called proving you can do something completely unrelated to the task at hand, even though everyone already knows you can do the actual task perfectly—probably with your eyes closed while singing the French National Anthem.

I’m sorry what did you say? Suck it?

That’s my girl. Now you’ve got it.

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