Do not set your birdhouse on fire. It is not worth it, the firefighters that show up are just the regular kind.

Male birds entering sexual maturation will often decorate their homes to attract mates. Help them out by printing 500 very tiny Bob Marley posters. Don't let Kinko's tell you no.

Try not to spend too much time bird watching, lest the sick voyeuristic thrill fade, forcing you to satiate your carnal desires with depravities like birdstalking, bird pornography, or camouflaging yourself, murdering many birds, and mounting them on your wall.

Bird enthusiasts remain deadlocked on the question of whether decorating your birdhouse with a plastic flamingo is funny or just kinda fucked up.

Just like their natural nests, birds will perform some upkeep and repair of their birdhouses. Do not intervene, especially if two birds carrying a ladder swing it around to comically clothesline another bird, causing a fourth bird to look up and hit its hand with a hammer, making its talon turn bright red and pulsate while the bird yells “YyyyyyyowWWwwwww!!!”

Birds come in all sizes! One tiny hole should do the trick.

Birds come in one shape and that shape is bird.

Adding some birdseed to your birdhouse is a nice touch. Filling your own human home with birdseed largely depends on how much you like birds.

Some bird fanatics like to decorate their birdhouses for the holidays! Do not under any circumstances do this.

While bird flu is indeed real, the chances of you contracting it are slim to none. It’s bird herpes you need to watch out for.

Do not launder money through your birdhouse. It is a crime punishable by penalty of not getting to have a birdhouse anymore.

The ancient Mesopotamians considered birds to be sacred animals and worshiped them. That isn’t relevant to you owning a birdhouse, but it’s also not true.

If your current bird tenants die, don’t fret! Simply notify their distant bird relatives that they've inherited an old, mysterious birdhouse, and it’s theirs for the taking—if they can survive sleeping the night inside.

Your birdhouse should not be tall enough that it's a spot for local teens to hook up, but still tall enough to double as a lightning rod.

Now that your birds no longer need to make a nest, you’ll need to ensure they take up healthy and constructive hobbies, like jai alai, or pottery. Or people watching. Anything besides just hanging around that Cyanocitta cristata kid.

Properly done, owning a birdhouse can be difficult, expensive, and time-consuming! Just remember it’s all worth it to provide a home for these beautiful animals that famously build their own homes.