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I’m best known as a benevolent holiday figure, I’m also a gifted anatomy artist and an expert at tiptoeing around houses without waking people up.
If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.
Many of you are more than friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof.
WOULD: Portable Manger. Mamas, this is a must. I loved having this when I was praying, prostrating, or getting my nails done with the girls.
And, so, I looked over my notes from your lesson and I figured it out. Boom. Just like that. Did it. Done. I proofread it, named it, kissed it, and then my dog ate it.
If I can find the scissors and cut open all seventy-three of these packets, I might almost have enough stale soy sauce for one stir fry serving.
There is evidence that Festerman did correct people on the Gandhi misattribution but there is no evidence he actually felt better about himself.
I want you to unzip that undersized bag of dried sweet potato jerky and peel it apart... Use your teeth baby, too stale?
This year's most-voted-for reader faves include humor about Satan, the moon landing, and... awkward silences.
10:24 P.M.: Has that older dude with frosted tips requested “Every Morning” yet? He always does.
I cannot abide the vulgar shoptalk of striving strangers who demand to know, “Where do you find your inspiration?”
Bleu De Gex: Known for its blue veins, it is aged for three weeks with Penicillium roqueforti, and cannot be legally sold in the continental United States.