Doug Funny and Roger Klotz

High school is a tough time for burgeoning feelings, many of which are hard for young teenagers to handle. Doug Funny had a lot of conflicting feelings that he had trouble expressing. At first, he tried expressing himself through his renegade fashion sense of wearing a sweater vest with a t-shirt, but the baggage of his emotions could not be contained in the cargo pockets of his shorts.

He turned his directionless emotions towards Patty Mayonnaise, but in his heart, he always knew that the true object of his obsession was Roger Klotz, so rough, so gruff, and so devilishly handsome. Unfortunately, Doug confined himself to the pressures of small town life and married Patty Mayonnaise, producing one unloved child, Richter, who is all too often found throwing dice in dark alleyways with his imaginary friends.

Captain Ahab and Starbuck (and the whale, occasionally)

Captain Ahab was a man of passion. But it was forbidden to be involved with a member of his own crew, I mean, can you imagine the gossip in port? Since his love for Starbuck was thus so often unrequited, he redirected his passion to the whale, which, to Ahab, was a living replica of the majesty of Starbuck, his one true love. After Ahab’s death, Starbuck refused to eat until he starved himself to death, and can now be found singing “My Heart Will Go On” from the bow of the ghostly Pequod, sailing on the River Styx. Occasionally he’ll change to “Turn Around Bright Eyes” when his falsetto gets choppy.

Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato

This one isn’t so much a secret, but given the religious connotations, it was quite promiscuous. They always say that men who sing show tunes together, stay together. It’s also a culinary technique, pairing cucumber with sliced tomatoes, and Larry always enjoyed himself a good slice of Bob. They are now happily married and living with three adopted children (Carl the Carrot, Horatio the Yam and Nikolai, a young Russian orphan) in Seattle.

The Hamburgler and Grimace

Different people have different ways of coping with their misunderstood feelings. For the Hamburgler, he decided to hide himself behind a mask and common thievery. But Grimace, a graduate of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, often utilized his x-ray vision to see directly into the Hamburgler’s warm and loving heart, which soon became Grimace’s own heart’s desire.

Afraid of Ronald McDonald’s antiquated political beliefs, however, they had to keep their moonlight sonata’s secret from the clowns in HR. No one knows if they are still seeing each other, of if they are even still alive.

Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum

There never was a murder. Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum just needed a way to get away from their bridge club to whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ear, especially with Mrs. Peacock being such a nosy bitch. Obtaining status in high society was a difficult endeavor, and Mustard and Plum, both frequenters of the most prestigious dinner parties, were only able to inconspicuously see each other at their bridge club meetings. Mustard and Plum therefore staged a murder as a distraction while they snuck off to engage in their lovins (with an oven mitt, in the attic). They are now presumed dead, because Mrs. Peacock put up the retractable attic ladder due to the draft while she was searching for the murder weapon in the library. The police went on to assume that Mustard and Plum were further victims of Miss Scarlett, who, as it turned out, was indeed an actual killer (with the candlestick, in the conservatory).

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