Time travel? What are you smoking? I’m just a—what do you call it? Just, you know, a regular guy in 1888 Braunau, Austria, in an old-time photo of a crowd on the street—checking a handheld device that is not a cell phone, whatever that even is!

I am not a time traveler, and I’m certainly not wearing a Metallica T-shirt and hoodie, which I’d admit, would be pretty weird for 1888 Braunau, Austria, where I’m a citizen, in his own time, and not a time traveler, because time travel does not exist.

And I’m certainly not here to kill baby Hitler.

I mean, “Hitler, who?” What kind of monster would travel back in time—again, if time travel was even possible—and kill a baby, even if that baby was to grow up to be one of the evilest men in history? Not me, that’s for sure. I’m just a 19th-century guy in a concert T-shirt that’s not Metallica and a hoodie that was totally made in the 1800s, carrying a handheld electronic device that is not a cellphone since we’ve already established I do not even know what that is.

Cool? I’m glad that’s straight.

I mean what kind of shitty time traveler would quantum leap back to 1888 wearing a “Wherever I May Roam” T-shirt from the most kick-ass thrash metal concert ever? Certainly not a righteous guy that got nabbed for selling a dime bag of weed in a school zone and was then given the choice to serve 3-to-5 in a state prison, or volunteer for a top-secret government project involving time travel and assassinating a baby with a tiny mustache and some serious anger issues. Again, not me. You’re reading too much sci-fi, bro.

Since we’re all in agreement that I am not a time traveler and not using technology that won’t be available for at least another 100 years, can I give a quick plug for this app I’ve been using? It’s International Cities Guide, and bro, the offline maps are awesome. I’ve managed to squeeze in a little sightseeing while not assassinating baby Hitler. I’ve been to the Palmdenkmal, Fischbrunnen, and Palm Park. Check out my photos on my FaceBook—er—I mean on my descendant’s Facebook page since I’ll be long dead by then.

Just to be clear, this technology that I don’t have, and that I haven’t been using, I didn’t use to find Salzburger Vorstadt 15 where apparently this Hitler kid was supposedly born. Dude, it’s 1888; everyone knows Hitler was born in 1889, so like how can a guy—supposing that guy was me and we’ve already agreed, I'm not—assassinate a baby dictator if he isn’t going to be born for another year?

I don’t want to go all Marty-McFly on you (again: who?), but what if said time traveler had… oh, say nine months to kill in 1888 Austria while he was acclimating himself to the 19th century and establishing an assumed identity as the most awesome dude in the Rhineland? Why wait all that time for this mustachioed little shit to be born just so you can sneak in through his nursery window while he is asleep and smother him with a pillow? Why wait for him to be born at all? Do you see where I’m going with this, Sherlock Holmes?

No, not kill his parents—shit, that is a good idea, too, though. No, bro, what if this awesome time traveler, who is a good-looking dude, banged Hitler’s mom before Hitler, Sr. did? You got it, bro. The time traveler knocked up Hitler’s mom before Hitler’s dad could! The time traveler’s spunk-from-the-future defeated Hitler! Or potentially could if there even was a Hitler, and time travel, and a guy sent back in time to save the world from Nazis.

But we’ve established that that is not me, there is no time travel, and I am just some guy walking in an old photo looking down at a handheld device that is not a phone—and I’m totally not texting a pic of Hitler’s mom to my bud, Nic, with the message “Hitler’s mom—I smashed it!” I’m totally not going back to the rendezvous point where Nic is waiting for me so our atoms can teleport back to the present, where a guy in a Metallica T-shirt and hoodie wouldn’t look so out of place, content in the knowledge that in nine months a baby will be born who is not Adolf Hitler… unless—wait—oh, fuck.


Adolf Hitler was born on April 20, 1889 in Braunau, Austria, to parents Klara Pölzl and Wendell “The Sandman” Schitzky. Hitler is infamous as the leader of the Nazi party, the architect of the Holocaust, and responsible for introducing thrash metal to Western Europe and the world. His godfather is the vampire actor, Nicolas Cage.