Seeking ANTIFA PROVOCATEUR for dangerous mission!!!
Are you a 75-year-old white Catholic man in the Buffalo area? Have experience with peaceful protesting but want to take it to the NEXT LEVEL? Often described as “The last person someone would suspect of being a criminal”? Become a provocateur today and gain INSTANT VIRAL FAME!!!
Job Duties Include:
- Running/organizing undercover setup operation
- Scanning and blacking out police equipment
- Ability to fall harder than you are pushed
Acting skills a plus but not required! Rewards include cracked skull, extended hospital stay, and martyr status! Call 585-235-6427 TODAY!
Wanted: Domestic Terrorist/“Protestor” (Washington)
Ideal Candidate Should Be:
- 100+ years old
- Great-great-grandmother
- Willing to bake cookies for the entire organization
Job Description:
Antifa is looking for innocent-looking grandmas to commit acts of terror against the U.S. Government. Potential crimes will include manufacturing explosives, manifesto writing, and sign-making. Must have passion for extreme violence and knitting cute hats for fellow protestors.
Reward:
- Knowledge you have inspired future generations of terrorists
- Great story to tell grandkids
HIGHLY SKILLED/EXPERIENCED ACTORS NEEDED TO PLAY FAKE KNEELING COPS
***PLEASE READ ALL CASTING DETAILS CAREFULLY***
PRODUCTION TITLE: The Defunding: Disgraced in Blue
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Antifa Prod.
SHOOT LOCATION: Minneapolis, MN
SHOOT DATE: Ongoing
PAY RATE: Exposure
Seeking DIVERSE actors of all ages, ethnicities, and sexualities to realistically play police officers who publicly kneel and/or resign after attacking innocent protestors.
This highly ambitious project seeks to get every police officer in America fired, and the camera will wrap only when mob rule is established across the United States.
*Talent MUST be comfortable being complicit in Antifa’s proposed New World Order
*Ability to cry crocodile tears on cue a plus
*This project may contain nudity
CALLING ALL NEWBORN BABIES!
Are you adorable? Do you have a desire to upend and destroy the capitalist society into which you have just been unfairly born, and the courage to detach yourself from the umbilical cord of corporate oppression?!
ANTIFA is seeking out HOMEGROWN BABIES like you to burn down local establishments in your area and blame it on “people from out of state”! No one will ever suspect you, you chonk!
We offer unfettered stroller access to the biggest chain stores AND the best pacifiers to suck on when you get tired and cranky from all the smoke.
If you have what it takes to join our team of covert infant soldiers, tell your mommy and daddy to drop you off at the closest Target at 0600 hours! Death to the American economy!
Reward: standard Soros paycheck, extra tummy time
RECRUITING: $$$ Shadowy Billionaire For Funding Purposes $$$
Be the chaos you want to see in the world! Join our team today and DREAM BIG!!!
Ideal Candidate is someone who:
- Is a guiding hand in protest organization
- Is rich
- Loves the long game
- Inspires distracting conspiracy theories
Compensation: Feeling like you’re part of something greater than yourself (destruction of American civilization)
IMMEDIATE HIRE: Teeny Tiny Baby Birds NEEDED!!
Antifa is hiring many delicate bird babies to complete its unholy mission of chaos. Topple the government while learning to fly by sacrificing your crunchy lil’ bod and throwing yourself at surveillance drones or police officers’ helmets. BONUS: experience in espionage & military strategy.
Job Duties include:
- Being tiny. Like tinsy winsy.
- Looking all innocent so fascist police pigdogs won’t know what hit ‘em!
- Excellent poop aim for Presidential photo-ops
- Cool with self-sacrifice for good cause
Microsoft spreadsheet experience a PLUS.
NEEDED ASAP: Bad Weather For “Protests”
Spot of bad weather needed for Antifa secret mission! Make police/military/current administration/America look silly by making the ground wet so they’ll slip around!
Job duties include:
- Light showers on command
- Making things look gloomy to affect soldiers’ mood
- Dramatic lightning strikes whenever president mentions our organization
Compensation on a per injury basis: $20 per slip, $35 if slip results in injury, $45 if slip extremely comical, thus furthering dark Antifa cause.
WANTED: Presidential Doppleganger for Ultimate Antifa Government Overthrow
Hopeful candidates must have the following qualities:
- Failed business experience
- Lack of empathy
- Heavy hand with the bronzer
- Extensive experience retweeting
- Follows orders (no questions)
***For more information, please send applications to super secret Antifa White House mole
NOTE: Antifa is an equal opportunity employer. We celebrate people of all standing who are committed to being anti-fascist while simultaneously being fascist, as well as fake protestors but real looters, and outside agitators and homegrown radical lefties that are Nazi communists. #VoteLizardPeople