Long Live Supreme Leader Aegeus! May your light forever shine over your kingdom that is this fifth-floor walk up!

Oh, how naive I once was to think of your giant hairy body, mismatched eyes, and long snake-like tail as something to be feared. When in fact it was those very traits that you use to protect me. I bow to you on your throne of discarded legos, oh good and merciful one.

And might I add Your Excellency, that unread issue of The New York Times makes for a lovely cape.

I know not why you chose this 300 square foot patch of East Williamsburg as the base of your new kingdom. But when you triumphantly emerged from behind the trashcan on a long flowing carpet of Charmin’ Ultra Soft, I knew immediately it was destiny.

Perhaps you were drawn here because of all the sharp cheddar cheese and chunky peanut butter I eat and frequently leave out? Maybe it’s because the walls were already adorned with artwork featuring Stuart Little? In the end, it matters not, for you are here, and all is as it should be.

My friends couldn’t understand why I chose to recognize the rat in my apartment as my natural leader rather than call an exterminator. But don’t worry Your Grace, I have long since severed my ties with them for being traitors to your realm. Plus everyone knows you’re way too big for an exterminator to handle. Look at the size of you, you could play free safety on the Packers.

Of course, things between us haven't always been smooth sailing, but that’s to be expected with any regime change! I was definitely caught off guard when I found you chewed holes in all my clothing. For so long I’d been wearing clothes that were all in one piece, which is crazy to think about now. But thanks to your kingly touch, when I go outside, all eyes are on me. My style has never been fresher, and my body, never breezier.

I’ll also be the first to admit, I initially saw your massive, putrid dumps as a bit of an eyesore. And I was even further perplexed when you’d screech and hiss at me for attempting to clean them up. Truthfully I still don’t quite get the reason behind your overflowing shit pile, but then again I’ve never had much of an eye for modern art. I trust that in time however, I will.

Despite these very brief learning curves, I say with full honesty that these last six months have been the very best of my life. I finally finished Game of Thrones, and I’ve even picked up juggling. I’ve had heaps of free time to accomplish these feats since you banished my girlfriend from your ratly kingdom.

I hope that she’s using her infinite banishment to learn and grow as I have. Your Excellency was so kind in sentencing her to exile instead of feeding her to your many, many children. The procurement of murine traps is an unspeakable act of treason, and you would have been well within your right to let your offspring feast on her flesh. But you continue to show your realm mercy and for that my fealty will never waiver.

I pray for your longevity and the continued prosperity of your kingdom. May Saint Stuart watch over your soul. Also Your Grace, I lost my job for something they called “rat smell” so if you have this month’s rent, that’d be cool.


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