Do you ever sit back and think about all the people you’ve met in life with the utmost fondness of all memories while halfway wondering if two of them would actually kill each other after being ruthlessly cast naked into a barbed-wire pit with no other means to communicate except for a broken pipe, a rubber mallet, a newspaper with a poorly published article, and a doorknob that was improperly removed from the soiled bathroom of an abandoned prep school?

Good, neither do I. Thoughts like that are disturbing.

Anyway, this article isn’t about that. It is a simple list of 10 tips for leading a balanced lifestyle. (Whew.)

1. Don’t judge others.

It is very easy to judge other people, but taking the time to actually understand another person’s perspective is the more enlightened thing to do. When times get tough and life seems really unfair, just remember that we’re all human. We all have different struggles to face at any given moment. Life is a complicated journey, and we all go through it regardless of race, gender, religion, ethnicity, sexual preference, educational background, or socio-economic status.

“Two Eyes, One Perspective, and Zero Ability to Judge Anybody Else”

If more people thought that way and personally tried to live by that rule, the world would be a much better place…

Unless the other person has only one eyeball, a split personality, and a pathological disorder that makes them stare at you constantly as they plan to shove a big knife in your back and then watch you slide down your icy driveway into a tanker-truck driven by a dildo-wielding maniac who plans to crash into the women’s clothing department at your local Walmart.

If you find yourself in that scenario, then it’s OK to judge. I wouldn’t want to be in that position either.

2. Take a vacation.

Working too much is never a good thing. It is healthy to take some time off and get away from things for a while. Just relax, treat yourself well, and take a vacation.

And when I say “take a vacation”…

I actually mean “raid some small and innocent town, aggravate everybody, drink all their beer, puke all over the place, act like a total and complete asshole, take advantage of everything you possibly can while you’re there, pee on a few buildings, run some teenagers over with a really big truck, destroy a few intricate social networks, ruin intimate relationships, fuck a prostitute, generate a hurricane of horribly irreversible destruction that will never ever be repaired…

and then come back home like nothing ever happened.”

3. Keep your wits about you.

Everybody needs love, tenderness, warmth, and a feeling of belonging. However, it is wise to always remain cautious.

If somebody attractive suddenly starts showing you signs of affection or perhaps even feelings, it’s probably because that person isn’t thinking very clearly. Something very disturbing or traumatic has recently happened in this person’s life, and now he or she suddenly thinks you are “cool” and worthy of intimate companionship.

It isn’t because you are a wonderful, good-looking, or intelligent person. Something is wrong…SEVERELY WRONG!

If it isn’t due to a recent tragedy of some sort, then it’s because the chemical networking in this person’s brain that has kept them sane for years has suddenly misfired or become unbalanced in some way to the point where he or she looks at you while having thoughts of love, hope, and promise.

Call a doctor, a therapist, or a trauma specialist so that this person can get help immediately!

4. Join a dating site and say disturbing shit to potential matches just to fuck them up.

Get on a dating site, put a picture of somebody who looks better than you on your profile page, and give completely false statements about your personality. When somebody begins to show interest, say really deep things in order to make them think you are a complete and total psychopath.

“My soft heart yearns deeply for you in a profoundly agonizing way. Waves of passion wreak havoc on my fragile soul and leave me in sheer excruciating pain and torment as I ponder the way your lovely eyes have captivated me.”

Saying this right away may tend to make your potential match a little bit frightened. It may also tend to make him or her think that you are a pathetic, twisted, sarcastic, hideous, explosively violent, dysfunctional asshole who has a broken personality and a dead body in your basement… but that’s OK!

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Your potential match probably has a few other dates lined up just in case you don’t work out, and your potential match is probably also using and fucking these other dates just to see which one of them best fulfills the needs of his or her crotch.

Your potential match is probably worse than you are.

5. Traumatize early morning joggers.

I don’t know what it is about people who jog early in the morning. They might perceive that they are going to live longer by doing that, or perhaps they think jogging will make their day go better if they simply get a few endorphins flowing.

NOT ON MY WATCH!

Give Mr. or Mrs. “Endorphins” something really disturbing to think about for the rest of the day.

Drink beer all night long, grab one of the tree branches that fell down in your yard, and shove it up your ass. When they jog by your house at 5:30 in the morning, smoke a cigarette while laughing hideously as you scream the words, “I LIKE THIS!” Then try to jog next to them.

After they look for completely different hobbies that don’t involve physical exercise, begin considering your next target audience: people who ride bicycles for fun.

6. Get somebody to completely give up their life-long dream of helping, inspiring, and serving others.

Some individuals dream of pursuing a career that would allow them to enlighten, inspire, and help others. They may also be considering a job in some type of community service.  These careers, however, are not very fulfilling. Helping and serving other people (as well as trying to make your community a better place to live) often simply leads to depression, severe alcoholism, and burnout.

These individuals often believe they have the inner ability to help people, but you can probably get them to change their minds by letting them get to know you as a person. Just put on your best smile, describe your personality and your social life, tell them about all the great things you’ve accomplished by being positive-minded, and then articulate your specific goals for the future.

After meeting you and realizing that people cannot be helped, they will probably just look for a career that makes a lot of money. You’ve just done them a big favor!

7. Keep your OCD in balance.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a serious problem. It’s a mental disorder characterized by unwanted, recurring thoughts as well as compulsive behaviors that cause a person to engage in repetitive tasks such as counting and arranging things, washing hands too often, or repeatedly checking things like doors to make sure they are locked.

People with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder have irrational fears. They believe that if they don’t engage in these tasks, then something really bad will happen.

For example, a person with OCD might check the coffee pot about 7 times before they leave for work just to make sure it’s turned off. If they check the coffee pot only 6 times, then it will turn into a bat, fly around the kitchen table for a while, and then take a big shit on the living room floor. After that, a demonic leprechaun with a really big penis on its face will burst through the door, rearrange the furniture in a way that looks really bad, smear boogers all over the place, and then rape their dog before making tons of expensive phone calls to really bizarre sex lines in Panama.

Don’t laugh, there’s nothing funny about OCD.

8. Drink Diet Pepsi and smoke cigarettes during your lunch break. It will help you poop really fast before you go back to work.

Working for a living isn’t really natural to begin with. Whether you’re a teacher, a preacher, or one of those Walmart greeters who has a pathetic, distorted, constipated look on his or her face that seems to say, “I can’t believe I have to do this in the final years of my life before I die a painful, agonizing, and meaningless death,” you are basically fucked if you work for a living.

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It’s not natural to be locked in a building for 8-12 hours while putting up with loads of stress while the people on top make all the money off of your hard labor as you get physically worn down with time and age.

Taking a shit, however, is natural.  It’s probably the most natural thing you do on a daily basis. (Everything else you do as a professional is probably a violation of the natural code of Universal Law, Ethics, and Life Itself.)

But anyway, let’s get back to taking a sShit!

At most given jobs, you’re given about 30 minutes to get off work, eat a crappy, nutrient-deficient lunch really fast, and then get back to work. In other words, you have very little time to develop a stomach-ache before you actually blow your asshole out!

Fortunately, I have figured out a way to solve this problem in five simple steps:

  1. Purchase a can of Hormel Chili at Walmart before you wave goodbye to the crippled, dysfunctional old lady who has a goofy look on her face because she spent her life producing nine children with the moron who works in the bicycle pad department.
  2. Eat that can of Hormel Chili at work in 10-12 minutes.
  3. Drink a bottle of Diet Pepsi and then smoke three cigarettes in a row.
  4. Notify your local plumber and tell him that you’ve permanently disrupted the internal piping system at your place of employment.
  5. Call your personal doctor and tell him that you need a new asshole.

9. If you can’t force one out really fast during your 30-minute lunch break, just work for a little while before you wander over to one of the other departments.

When they ask what you’re doing over there, just tell them you came over to explore and learn about the interconnected dynamics that make the company function as a whole. When they are not looking, sneak into one of the bathrooms and take a “whole” big shit!

Don’t flush it down either!

Leave it in there after you get done wiping your ass with half of the corporate-sized toilet rolls they put in bathrooms these days. Then make a small flag out of toothpicks and torn shreds of paper from the copy machine that says, “Fuck You!” and stick it on top of the pile of carnage and horror you’ve just created.

Maybe one of the corporate leaders will wander in there and see it after he gets done giving other people a lecture about “synergy.”

10. If you want a stable relationship, look for someone close to your own age.

Always consider your age when looking for True Love. Age does make a difference. Someone who is younger than you may not share your goals and desires.

Older, more mature people make better decisions when they look for stability and solid companionship because they have experienced more of life. Younger people, however, are often unsure of what they are looking for, and tend to change their minds about what they really want. Being with someone too young could lead to heartbreak.

A lovely woman with beautiful eyes, a perfect body, and long-flowing brunette hair looked at me seductively the other day. Her giant breasts were bulging from her white shirt. She told me that she was rich and that she lived in Florida. She promised me that if I ran away with her, I would never have to work for a living again, and then she described all the extremely naughty things she planned on doing to me in order to keep me happy for the rest of my life.

She pressed her extremely large and wonderful breasts against me, grabbed a firm hold of my bottom, and then asked me to come to the airport with her so that we could spend that very night moving rhythmically together in sweaty, animalistic passion underneath the thin sheets of her bed on the third floor of her mansion while soft night breezes gently caress both of our naked bodies.

But unfortunately, I had to say “no.” I’m 37 years old, and she was only 36; I don’t think it would have worked out in the long run.

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