Please Listen Carefully as Our Menu Options Have Changed, and Also I Have This New Screenplay Idea
For new patients, let me tell you about the opening scene. We fade in on a beach, sand caked with blood being washed away by the waves!
Tag: Featured
My Life Is in Shambles but at Least I’m the Star of Four Different Reality Shows
The filming schedules for the shows overlap so that I always have at least two competing crews filming me at once and oftentimes, all four.
This Year at COP28, We’re Just Reading Our Fern Gully Smut
Instead of practical commitments, we’ve asked them to show up with the filthiest, horniest fanfic about an environmentalist allegory ever.
Welcome to My Sex Dungeon, Where Anything Up To and Including a Handjob Goes
If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
A Video Game Tutorial for Your Cheap New Apartment
Welcome to Your Cheap New Apartment! Your main quest is to violate your lease without getting caught.
More Common Cowboy Problems
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
In Defense of Drinking Gravy
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
Technical FAQ About Your New Hourglass
Q: Do I need to time the hourglass? A: No. That would be redundant.
What I Learned on My Mushroom Retreat for Entrepreneurs
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
I’m Only on This Dating App Ironically, Unless You’re Interested in Falling in Love or Something
My being here is simply for the lulz and has nothing to do with my ex posting a vacation album with her new boyfriend on social media.
I’d Like to Have Kids, but I’m Not Sure It’s Ethical to Bring Children into a World Where Their Dad Would Be Me
I just don’t think I can morally justify knowingly bringing children into a world where their dad would be me.
It Helps to Think of Europe as a Powder Keg, a Thing We Can All Picture
Are you picturing the powder keg? Think back to the last time you went out to sea and needed to bring a large amount of gunpowder.