You know what they say: you can’t live in the past, when all of my achievements paled in comparison to yours.
When Jason sees you wearing this in chemistry class, he’s gonna cream his jeans so hard that the frog he’s dissecting will come back to life!
“We’re not in the boardroom anymore, eh fellas?” I said. But Ross seemed genuinely injured.
Would you mind making me a logo for my new insect-dessert business? I was going to hire someone, but they wanted to charge me a few hundred dollars.
Theoretical Physicist Michio Kaku Asked Me to Stop Sending Him These Solutions to the Grandfather Paradox
Anyone who tries to create a paradox gets stopped by theoretical physicist Michio Kaku and his incredible superpowers.
And your little ghost friends? They can’t spend the night. All of you swirling around in a big circle above the roof.
Kevin demands only the best from his employees. He constantly circles my desk to “check in,” especially when I’m on my period.
No, I Didn’t Name My Child Michael Jordackson So He’d Aspire for Greatness as an NBA Player or World-Renowned Musician
I just happen to like the smooth sound of “Michael Jordackson.” It’s got a nice ring to it.
Walk out: Just leave en masse. Once you're a healthy distance away from me, there will be no one to support my Multi-Level Marketing Religion.
Contrary to popular belief, women do not possess one utilitarian opening for all of their bathroom and reproductive functions, like ducks.
Is it normal for my baby to be eight feet tall and have laser eyes? It depends on whether or not you bought the deluxe model.
Unbiased Yelp Review That Has Nothing to Do With the Fact the Restaurant Wouldn’t Accommodate My Sloth
The restaurant would tell you that a lot of my experiences were colored by my sloth, but I disagree. This could happen to anyone, even the slothless.