Loaded Potato – Potatoes are the food the Irish couldn't even fuck up, so it can be challenging to make one a child refuses to eat. But where there's a will, there's a way. That's where the “loaded” part comes into play. A teaspoon of chives or crumbled bacon sprinkled on top is more than enough to ruin any kid's night.

Split Pea – Lumpy and green, split pea soup is a slam dunk. Even without The Exorcist association, children have a horrified, visceral reaction to the sight of it. Add to that the suspicious ham aftertaste, and they'll be seasoning this soup with their tears in no time.

Cheddar Cheese Broccoli – You're probably thinking, “If it's good enough for the gourmands at TGI Fridays at 11:06 AM on a Tuesday, surely it's good enough for the fruit of my loins,” you're right. So you'll need to puree the broccoli until they can't pick it out, then sit back and watch their eager little faces fall with disappointment when they peek inside those bread bowls.

Beef Stew – Imagine their reaction when you plop down a steaming bowl of what looks like a dog's vomit after eating another dog's vomit. Priceless! Or take it up a notch and use venison, introducing that gamey, musky funk they'll never be able to forget. Remind them of the time the neighbor hit a deer with his car and slaughtered it in his driveway. Oh, the waterworks.

Cream of Celery – This one is a gimme for some dinner-time bitching and moaning. After all, what is there to like about celery? Even that rumor about it having zero calories turned out to be complete bullshit. You know what celery has zero of? Redeeming qualities. It's as stringy and bland as Jared Kushner's ass. This soup will fix their little red wagons all right.

Pumpkin Bisque – You won't believe the body-wracking sobs your children will make at the first glimpse of this orange slop. Use canned or fresh pumpkin; it won't matter. They'll act like you sprinkled nutmeg over the putrid jack o'lantern rotting on your front porch. At least the fruit flies would give them some protein. God knows the cry-bags aren't getting it anywhere else.

Clam Chowder – There's nothing like a slug floating in a bowl of half-and-half to say, “You didn't even try it! Well, just eat the oyster crackers then! No, I can't make you a cheese quesadilla! I said, NO! Why? Because I have to wash another mountain of dishes, that's why! Because, apparently, I'm the only one in this goddamn place who knows how!”


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