Dear Tenant,

Upon inspecting the vacated property at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Unit 1A, the People of the United States of America (landlord) compiled the below list of itemized damages and deducted the full amount from your security deposit.

Item Removal Charges

  • Shoebox of self-signed pardons for all spelling variations of tenant's name found hot-glued to Resolute desk. Desk separately vandalized in search of nonexistent National Treasure clue.
  • Direct phone line into the ear of every violent conspiracy theorist and white supremacist in America; long-range vuvuzela into the ear of every nail-gnawing liberal.
  • Small Ukranian child with boom microphone in the Situation Room.
  • Stack of VHS tapes containing oaths of fealty from three Federalist Society cronies appointed to the highest court in the land, most confirmed in acts of blatant hypocrisy. Recorded over births of tenant's children.
  • 660 million expired, room temperature vaccine doses. Attached note: “SEND BACK. Already had virus!”

Wall Repair

  • Man-sized pneumatic tube transportation system from Blue Room to Kremlin foyer. Approximately 5,500 miles caulked.
  • Spackling of several hundred distinct peepholes into restrooms presumably drilled by numerous alleged sexual predators traveling through and residing on property.
  • Massive wall safe in Oval Office containing caged parents of 545 migrant children. Cost includes patching of hole and record-setting DoorDash order.

Cleaning Expenses

  • Kitchen refrigerator full of white lies molding into unstoppable force of disinformation on months-old McDonald's burgers. Or it might not be a burger—the truth is unrecognizable.
  • Ventilation of potentially deadly air of desperation. Includes hazard pay for cleaners risking inhalation of contagious racism and reactionary anger born of privilege and insecurity.
  • Five tons of sage burnt throughout property for precautionary cleansing. As ground zero of the incompetence leading to over 400,000 untimely American deaths, residence was deemed at risk of long-term haunting.

In addition to forfeiting the entire security deposit amount for the above damages and cleaning expenses, you must return the following stolen property to the People’s House:

  • America’s international reputation
  • America’s self-image
  • Faith in public institutions
  • Social trust
  • Civil discourse
  • Belief in democracy
  • Justice
  • Truth

Items not returned will be billed to you and rebuilt by new tenants.

The People of the United States of America