8-Week Needlepoint Class

Stuck in the first stage of grief? Need to channel your denial into a mindless hobby? This half price 8-week needlepoint class is the perfect way to divert all of your rage, sadness, and fear into adorable throw pillows decorated with smiling dachshunds. You always said you wanted a new hobby, so why not needlepoint? And why not right now, at this emotional apex of your life?

Learn all the basics, then start your own business selling hand-needlepointed pillows. Bully your friends into buying your work through your pillow Instagram. Remember, they’re not really your friends if they don’t spend at least $100 on your art. Nothing can actually be going wrong as long as you keep churning out those pillows!

60% Off One-Night Stay at Four Seasons – Must Bring an Ex

Spend a luxurious evening in this gorgeous Four Seasons suite in the company of an ex lover of your choosing. You passed right through denial and into anger, and your old college boyfriend Mike is the perfect subject for your unbound passion and rage. Granted, it’s not really about him, but is it ever?

Pristine Egyptian cotton sheets will surely be privy to some emotionally charged romantic fun. Afterwards, clutch the railing of the suite’s mid century balcony and whisper softly, but just loud enough that he can hear, “we were always going to end in flames.” Then let the screaming begin!

2-Hour Solo Dock Rental

What if you hadn’t gone that day? What if you could take it all back? What would you give? Looks like you’re in the bargaining stage! This barnacle-clad dock overlooking a peaceful, morose bay creates a one-of-a-kind bargaining experience. Enjoy pacing up and down the worn wooden boards and absentmindedly kicking shells into the water. Sit on the dock’s edge and gaze down at your murky, rippled reflection. Throw a rock dramatically into your reflection when you’re feeling particularly frustrated with your own roundabout thoughts. You’ll be amazed how many emotional spirals can fit into a 2-hour rental!

Horizontal Whale Watching Tour

It’s all the beauty and excitement of whale watching, with all the ease and apathy of lying down! This 60-foot schooner is outfitted with 20 comfortable twin beds. It’s a one-of-a-kind activity designed for those in the depression stage of grief. Those who want to enjoy nature but aren’t sure if they can get up right now. Listen closely to the deep, yearning tones of the whale pod. Gaze into the eyes of a mother beluga and wonder if her soul aches like yours. Look at you, you’re kind of doing an activity!

FREE Trip to the Bench Overlooking the Highway

Groupon users can now enjoy an all expenses paid trip to the aging bench on the hill overlooking Route 66. You’ve reached the acceptance stage, you deserve it! This rusty metal bench has stood the test of time, seen the world change and progress, and just kept standing. It’s the perfect metaphor for your whole thing right now. Plus, the first 30 to accept this offer will be able to elevate their experience with one free cigarette offered by a mysterious stranger.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.