Your open mic is not as good as the televisions at the other end of the bar.

Your open mic is not as good as the two dozen other mixed-genre open mics in your area.

No, not even in the top ten.

The bar manager is unaware you're hosting an open mic on the premises.

Everyone is unaware you’re hosting an open mic on the premises.

But you made a Facebook event.

And invited all of your friends.

Your open mic is in your basement.

Your open mic is in your attic.

Your open mic is in the gap between worlds, accessible only to the chosen, the mad, and people you like.

So, it’s kind of a booked open mic.

Your microphone is from your home karaoke machine.

Your whole PA is your home karaoke machine.

Your open mic got taken over by standup comics.

The poets are boycotting your mic because they feel the comics use the mic to perpetuate hateful ideas and half-baked premises that punch down at marginalized groups.

The poets are kind of right.

The comics are boycotting your mic because you banned a comic after he physically assaulted a patron who ordered a beverage too loudly at the bar.

The comics are just standing up for their right to free speech.

You’re not a good host. Let’s be real.

The musicians are all guitarists and three of them are named Chris.

Your open mic is the best thing you have going for you.

Your open mic is the only thing you have going for you.

Your open mic is the last thing you have going for you before you give up on art itself.

People sense this and stay away. Why can’t you be more like a trivia host?

Zany. Fun. Full of pop culture references.

Your open mic was all just a dream.

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