My dear family, I come bearing news that honestly isn’t that big of a deal, but God commanded me to tell you, and you know how he gets sometimes. Apparently, our Lord is upset at the wickedness of man and plans to deluge the Earth to kill everything, except creatures that live in water, I guess. To weather the storm and restart creation, I’ve been commanded to build a vessel to harbor my kin along with two of every animal, which makes repopulating the Earth seem… problematic. Taking all of that into consideration, this whole flood thing sounds pretty bogus.

I realize that hearing about the wholesale destruction of the planet by someone who is supposed to love us doesn’t make a lick of sense, which is exactly why that’s strike number one for me. I simply cannot envision him going through with this, and I’m a freaking prophet. Even if he did, I've had a good run in my 600 years of life, which is why I wouldn’t feel too bad if it happened because, thankfully, I can’t be forced to deal with the repercussions of my neglect if I’m dead.

Let’s consider the facts. We’ve only been on Earth for a few thousand years and now God wants to press the reset bead on the abacus of our existence? It really doesn’t track that an omnipresent being who created life out of nothing but his almighty power would want to start it all over with a wet prologue to Judgment Day. Plus, using water—a life-sustaining liquid—to kill off everything sounds a little too on the nose, you know?

A lot of heathens, from Sodom, incidentally, have said I need to act now if I want to save my family and all of the land-based animals from an ‘aqua Hell.’ They claim I'm not paying attention to what is an obvious signal from God to prevent a catastrophe or drown in water the same way they drown in premarital sex. It’s obvious they were being facetious about their concern, but if God actually was serious, I’d have to agree with them, just not on the sex stuff.

Look, I’m the only one here with a direct line to our Heavenly Father—a being who has only ever given me good, helpful advice—so I don't fault you for thinking this absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, will be egg on my face. Maybe the problem is that I’m too cynical for thinking that it’s impossible for anyone (us) to completely change our behavior by taking preventative measures to ensure our mutual survival (building a big boat) in the face of overwhelming evidence (God told me).

I mean, if he wants to only save us, why doesn’t he give me a ready-to-go ark, as opposed to forcing us to construct one through backbreaking labor, thereby teaching us to appreciate the value of hard work? Surely he must foresee the short-term negative side effects that we will be forced to deal with if we have to actually build the damn boat, like remembering how to do math, getting all sweaty cutting lumber, and not to mention the stress of worrying about whether we’re supposed to collect bugs.

I totally understand that we have plenty of time to save ourselves and that the sacrifice of assembling the ark would ultimately pale in comparison to the idea of us trying to breathe underwater, but that brings me to another water-based point. It rains all the time on Earth, and, yes, sometimes floods, but it’s never that awful, so it really wouldn’t surprise me if our Heavenly Father said this purely to make a fuss. After all, everyone knows God is such a drama queen.

It’s not like I have a death wish or anything, but none of this adds up. So, in the face of the only lie God has ever told me after nearly a millennium of being alive, I’d truthfully much rather focus on my own pleasure, like figuring out what wine is. Tell you what, how about I say I’m going to build the ark, even though I won’t? Okay, I’ll do it: I’m going to build the ark! Wow! It’s incredible how I feel a genuine sense of accomplishment from the simple act of talking about my goal of saving us all from a watery grave as opposed to actually doing it. Psychology, man.

Listen, if I’m right, everything will be fine, and if God isn’t fibbing, then it unarguably will be the worst calamity ever that will spell the end of the pure, innocent Christian race. That said, I'm confident everything will fall into place regardless of what I do or don’t do, because the beauty of having blind faith means you never have to be held accountable for anything.

After all, do you really think the big man upstairs is going to kill us the same way he plans to murder everyone else?

Yeah, maybe when Hell freezes over.