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We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
Listen, I appreciate being included in this Christmas parade but, frankly, I’m not sure why I’m here.
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
My seat had no window, I'd wasted my cash / on a seat in the middle by a guy with a rash
There is no way ol' Kris Kringle is going to remember what I asked for… until now. This holiday season, he is going to remember my name.
What do I want for Christmas? Just get me anything. Socks, sweaters, a crisp stack of twenties shoved inside a brown paper bag.
I leaned in super slowly for a kiss when… her freaking precocious daughter popped in so that we could taste the cookies she made.
Wearing multiple warm layers will ensure that you don’t end up in the ER with hypothermia.
For everyone telling me to get over it? Remember that I was juiced! As a child!
Whole: Expect your life to be "Emily in Paris" but really it’s more like "Frances Ha"