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Articles
Phishing Emails from Phish
Our van broke down, and we’re asking generous, conventionally attractive fans to help get us back on the road.
The Power Bill Is Here and It’s All Your Fault!
If humans were meant to be comfortable, they would evolve like the AI technology powered by our abundant data centers.
After Coming Down the Chimney, I Promise Not to Draw Your Feet While You Sleep
I’m best known as a benevolent holiday figure, I’m also a gifted anatomy artist and an expert at tiptoeing around houses without waking people up.
I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past and I’ve Never Haunted You Because Your Life Is Too Boring
If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.
Christmas Card from a Family That Runs a Private Prison Company
Many of you are more than friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof.
Registry Items I, the Virgin Mary, Would and Wouldn’t Buy Again If I Were Giving Birth to the (Next) Son of God
WOULD: Portable Manger. Mamas, this is a must. I loved having this when I was praying, prostrating, or getting my nails done with the girls.
My Dog Ate My Homework and Then Did Ayahuasca
And, so, I looked over my notes from your lesson and I figured it out. Boom. Just like that. Did it. Done. I proofread it, named it, kissed it, and then my dog ate it.
Before I Move, I Will Finish All of the Condiments in My Fridge
If I can find the scissors and cut open all seventy-three of these packets, I might almost have enough stale soy sauce for one stir fry serving.
Who Actually Said, “Actually, Gandhi Never Said, ‘Be the Change You Want to See in the World’”?
There is evidence that Festerman did correct people on the Gandhi misattribution but there is no evidence he actually felt better about himself.
Sexting with Ocean State Job Lot
I want you to unzip that undersized bag of dried sweet potato jerky and peel it apart... Use your teeth baby, too stale?
The People’s Favorites 2025
This year's most-voted-for reader faves include humor about Satan, the moon landing, and... awkward silences.