Dear Kyle and Sarah,
Congratulations on your engagement! I know we aren’t particularly close, but we do have a ton of friends in common, which means it would be a lot of fun for me to go to your wedding even though I’m not actually that invested in your relationship and would probably never see you again after the big day. But I’ve already taken the time to write and send you this engagement card, so you kind of have to invite me to the wedding now if you don’t want to be rude, which may or may not have been the only reason why I sent you this in the first place. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!
Dear Teresa and Nick,
Seriously? Did you not see on Facebook and Instagram and basically everywhere else that, like, four other couple friends of mine have already gotten engaged in the past few weeks? And now I have to budget time and money to go to your wedding next year, too? Ugh. I mean, I’m still happy for you, yeah, but please don’t ask me to be a groomsman or make a toast or, you know, do anything. It would also be great if you could try to have the ceremony within a five-block radius of my apartment. I’m right next door to a Methodist church, so you should be all set there. You’re Methodist, right?
Dear Gregory and William,
Congratulations on your engagement! Please invite me to your wedding so I can post several photos from it online that will prove how woke and comfortable I am around the LGBTQI community. You are the only gay couple I know.
Yours in equality,
Dear Tom and Allison,
Congratulations on your engagement! And what an amazing coincidence that it took place just a few weeks after our engagement! We’re super excited to spend the next few months taking passive-aggressive actions to ensure that our wedding remains the top priority among our mutual friends and letting the resentment slowly but surely build up every time you talk about your wedding instead of ours. Don’t register for any of the same gifts as us!
Ted and Angela
Dear Cousin Patricia and Ricky,
Congratulations on your engagement! Patricia, I think the last time I saw you was at a retirement party three years ago for someone whose relationship to us is still unclear to me. Although to be honest, I’ve never been totally clear on how we’re related, either. I think we have the same great-grandparents, right? Or maybe the same great-great-grandparents? Anyway, I had no idea you were dating someone, but we both know our parents will be upset if you don’t invite me to the wedding, so see you there!
Dear Jack and Diane,
This one seriously doesn’t make any sense to me. Did you guys get pregnant? Are the tax breaks for getting married better than I thought? Do you both love John Mellencamp and feel like breaking up would be a betrayal of him somehow? Because I’ve always found the meaning of that song to be a little ambiguous. But I guess as long as you have an open bar at the reception, I’ll still be there.
Dear François and Lisa,
Congratulations on your engagement! Have you decided where to have the wedding yet? François, you’re from Paris, right? Because I’ve never been to Paris before, and this seems like the perfect excuse for me to go, especially because Lisa’s hometown kind of sucks and I just found a great deal on flights from JFK to de Gaulle arriving on June 21 and departing on June 28. I’m probably just going to book those tickets now, actually, and hopefully your wedding will end up coinciding with my European vacation! Because otherwise I’m not sure if I can make it!
Dear Cindy and Ted,
Congratulations on your engagement! Martha and I are both so excited to come celebrate with you at your wedding! You know Martha, right? She’s my very serious girlfriend of approximately 79 hours, and even though you’ve never met her before and probably thought I was still dating Kiley, rest assured that if you only invite me to the wedding instead of both of us, I will be too furious to attend and never speak to either of you ever again. But I know you would never do that. Can’t wait!
Phartha (Our couple name—get it? It’s a combination of Phil and Martha. So cute, right?!)
Dear Dad and Lisa,
Your age difference makes this whole thing extremely uncomfortable for me.