Good Morning DigiTech-ites!

Hope everyone had a chance to enjoy the complimentary cold brew in the café on the 12th floor this morning. Honestly, sometimes I forget that this place is a working office!

Anyway, you all should have received an email from our Chief Talent Officer (and star intramural softball pitcher) Susan Shapiro, asking you to fill out a brief survey—please do not delete! The survey is a part of Fortune’s “Best Companies to Work For in 2019” list, and your responses will be tallied up by the fine folks at Fortune to come up with an aggregate score for DigiTech that will be compared against other companies. Woot woot!

DigiTech is first and foremost committed to nurturing our people and our culture, and we feel it’s high time we received some recognition for it.

Please be advised that anyone who does not fill out the survey by the end of the week will be thrown into the new Boiling Lava Pit, which was installed over the weekend and contains 2,000 cubic liters of molten volcanic lava from the island of Heimaey, which is located in the Westman Island archipelago off the southern coast of Iceland. Because here at DigiTech — Authenticity Matters ©.

The pit is located right next to the Relaxation Pods on the 13th floor. Our Icelandic Lava Handler, Gunnar, will be passing out KIND bars and assorted fruit from 11-1pm, so please swing by to introduce yourself, check out the pit, and grab some brain food.

Now, we encourage you all to be as candid as possible when filling out the survey. We are confident that the Employee-First Culture (EFC) we have cultivated will be reflected in all of your responses, and do not anticipate having to use the Lava Pit for anything beyond toasting bagels on Bagel Friday (seriously, guys, how many offices give out free bagels on Friday?).

But with that being said, we will not hesitate to condemn non-finishers to a slow, fiery death in the steaming Lava Pit. We firmly believe 2019 is going to be the year that DigiTech finally cracks Fortune’s Top 100, and each and every one of you have a crucial role to play in our journey. And if the idea of blistering hot magma seeping through your thin, porous skin, melting each of your most vital organs briskly and unapologetically as you flail, heedlessly, for a nonexistent savior that will never come to your rescue, until you inevitably beg for the merciful kiss of death to descend upon you and relieve you from searing pain and misery isn’t enough motivation for you—IT just confirmed that there will be no Wi-Fi in the Lava Pit. Yikes!

While we are aware that some of you may find the Lava Pit a bit “extreme,” we believe that this incentive program only reinforces how seriously we are taking this year’s competition. Do you really think that Facebook, Google, and the hotshots of the EFC (Employee-First Culture) movement do not implement similar programs? You and I both know that Google isn’t pulling in the top ranking every year because of a Ping-Pong table. In fact, Gunnar has reason to believe Google will be forcing any employee who fails to complete the survey by Wednesday into a pit stocked with dragons, à la Game of Thrones Season 8, Episode 5.

So please keep that in mind when you come across the “Management is aware and respectful of my workload and provides adequate time to complete projects” question, DigiTech-ites!

I look forward to reading everyone's responses on Friday. Did someone say celebratory poke bowls in the Community Lunch Zone??? Yum!

Cheers,

Richard Patterson
President, CEO, & Chief Morale Officer, DigiTech Inc.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.