People who claim to know the owner of every place they’ve ever been to.

Anyone who looks really old but has the Benjamin Button disease. Enough testing hasn't been done on people like that.

The guy who pretended to be me for 8 months.

Babies, because they're little and it's hard for them to schedule appointments online.

People whose birthday falls on Leap Day. If you want to say you’re 13 years old then that’s what we’ll do.

For sure, people who take your financial info and open up credit cards in your name. That's not right. But really the guy who walked around pretending to be me for 8 months. Isn't that what identity theft should be? He didn't steal my wallet or stalk me or anything, but still. Who tells people they're someone else for 8 months?

People who have already gotten one of the vaccines but want to “collect all three.”

The guy who told me he’d help me move, then stole my iconic Mallrats pin and puka shell necklace so he could more easily pretend to be me. I mean, I have some work to do fashion-wise, but I'm the victim here.

Anyone who says they’re the “least racist person in the world.”

The guy who stole my identity, then saw me on the street a few months later and acted like nothing happened. Hello, you played me in social settings as if I were a film role or something. Did you think I would just let it go because you “didn't mean anything by it”? You mimicked that tick I get when I talk to someone too long. You copied my snicker. Everyone knows my snicker.

My friends who continued hanging out with the guy pretending to be me for 8 months. Am I just that indistinguishable from the next random dude? Or did you just prefer hanging out with him? I know you weren't fooled. We've known each other since middle school, Eric.

Anti-vaxxers. I mean, by definition they won't be getting it, but still. They should go to the back of the line on principle, you know?

I'm just gonna say his name. It's Devin. Devin told people he was me for 8 months.

Brenda, the woman I went out with a few times who then rolled into dating Devin when he stole my identity. She knew what he was doing and was cool with it. And get this—she's still going out with him! She definitely should not get the vaccine. Pharmacies shouldn't let her buy some other things, either, like assorted-size boxes of Band-Aids and the fancy toothpaste she likes.

I don't know, people who double park a lot? But then how would that even be trackable? Parking tickets, I guess? Yeah, parking tickets.

The lawyers who said there was technically nothing illegal about pretending to be someone else for 8 months. Something about needing criminal intent, whereas Devin just lied a whole bunch while I was off looking for buried treasure. Whatevs.

The guy who told me there was a lost treasure buried in the Mojave Desert, and sold me a fake treasure map that I used for 8 months, allowing Devin to pretend I came back early. Wait, was that guy just Devin in a fake moustache?

People who sell fake moustaches.


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