Aisle One: Board Games

If you buy a competitive game, it implies that winning at the expense of screwing over others is all that matters in life. Solitary problem-solving games say, “I'm guessing you don't have any friends.” Cooperative games mean you're a socialist.

Aisle Two: The Pink Aisle

If you buy your coworker's daughter a girly toy, like a princess tiara or a baby doll, you are reinforcing outdated, binary gender role expectations and are a horrible person.

Aisle Three: The Blue Aisle

If you buy your coworker's daughter a typical boy toy, like a foam sword or a dump trunk, you are reinforcing the male-centric belief that femininity is objectionable. And you're a horrible person.

Aisle Four: Building Toys

If you buy a toy consisting of 100 small plastic pieces, it shows you don't care about the oceans and are basically using this innocent kid as a middle man in your quest to contribute directly to the Great Pacific garbage patch. Wooden building toys mean you support deforestation.

Aisle Five: Slime

A surefire way to make your coworker hate you.

Aisle Six: Books

A surefire way to make your coworker's kid hate you.

Aisle Seven: Cooking and Baking

If you buy a homemade ice cream maker or a cookie decorating kit, you are contributing to the child obesity epidemic sweeping America. If you buy a Healthy Snacks Cookbook for Kids, you are promoting body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Aisle Eight: Science Toys

You think the arts don't matter.

Aisle Nine: Arts and Crafts

You think girls are bad at science.

Aisle Ten: Stuffed Animals

The irony of buying a soft, cuddly snow leopard made from polyester, which in turn comes from non-biodegradable oil obtained by drilling in the Arctic, must really be lost on you, huh?

Last Stop: Register

To your coworker, buying a gift card means, “I am childless and clueless, but well-meaning. Someday I too, hope to become a parent and spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon leading 15 sugar-crazed children in a game of freeze-tag. Until I ascend to this higher level of adulthood, please accept this humble offering.” What the gift card really means: “I absolutely plan to drink this card's monetary equivalent in wine during the course of this party, and it will not be pretty.”

 


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