We warmly welcome this year’s top congressional representatives to our team-building retreat, generously paid for by your corporate donors. Each activity this weekend has been carefully crafted and designed to aid you in learning how to work together better by avoiding the people you represent.
9:00 AM Welcome/Orientation – Brought to You by Citigroup Inc.
Menu: Muffins and Mimosas
10:00 AM Icebreaker: Hot Potato – Toss the Responsibility of a Stimulus Package Back and Forth Without Letting It Touch the Ground or Help Anyone
11:00 AM Covid-19 Workshop: How to Wash Your Hands and Line Your Pockets. Presented By Pfizer Inc.
Noon – Lunch with The Lincoln Project
Menu: Shark Fin Soup
1:00 PM Activity – Trust Fall: Learn to Save the Country By Saving Yourselves First
3:30 PM Community Recycling Workshop: Repurpose 80’s Propaganda to Scare Your Constituents Away from Socialism and Communism
6:00 PM Welcome Dinner – Hosted by Goldman Sachs
Menu: Live Octopus
9:00 AM Breakfast – Hosted by Weyland-Yutani Corporations
Menu: Beluga Caviar Omelets
10:00 AM Marketing Group Challenge: Using Twitch to Connect with the Youth After Failing with Animal Crossing and Student Loan Forgiveness. Sponsored by Verizon Communications.
* Note: You cannot ask Siri for help if your phone is an Android.
11:00 AM Presentation: Why Announcing on Twitter that You are Leaving It for Parler is Counterproductive if You Keep Posting on Twitter
Noon Lunch – with Skynet – Presented by Cyberdyne Systems
Menu: Foie Gras
2:00 PM Teamwork Activity: Hug It Out – There’s Nothing a Friendly Embrace or Fist Pump Over an Unqualified Supreme Court Judge Confirmation Hearing Between Millionaire Senators Can’t Fix
4:00 PM Brainstorming and Development – Fashion for Change of Topic: Use Your Shoes to Sidestep Healthcare in a Global Pandemic and Other Hot Button Issues
6:00 PM Dinner and Special Presentation – Dealings with the Devil: How to Keep Getting Reelected When the Entire Country Hates You. Keynote Speaker Mitch McConnell. Hosted by Koch Industries.
Menu: Baby Dolphin
9:00 AM Breakfast – Hosted by The Galactic Empire
Menu: Gluten-Free Muffins
10:00 AM – Presentation: Magic Shows on Cable News – Make Growing Concerns of Your Community’s Inability to Pay Their Bills Disappear by Pretending Covid-19 Doesn’t Exist
11:00 AM – Human Sacrifices Workshop: How to Throw Members of Your Own Party Into a Volcano After Throwing Them Under the Bus Doesn’t Work
* Note – Bernie Sanders, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Ilhan Omar will not take corporate flights to Hawaii sponsored by Big Pharma.
** Note: Ted Cruz has been offered and spat back out by Vulcan and Tūtū Pele several times and will no longer be accepted; Party must take responsibility for him.
Noon – Lunch with The Illuminati
Menu: Outsourced Virgin’s Blood Soup
4:00 PM – Karaoke Challenge: “We Are Family,” “It’s The End of the World As We Know It,” and more!
6:30 PM – Farewell Dinner and Final Thoughts: Turning a Blind Eye and a Deaf Ear to Those Who Put You Where You Are in the First Place – At Least Until the Next Election. Sponsored by Dante’s Inferno.
Menu: The Tears of Your Constituents