The Mid-Life Crisis
When he accidentally calls you “Mama” but not in the sexy way.

The Breakfast at Tiffany’s
The one day of the year he actually goes down on you.

The Love is Blindfolded
Because the only way you can get in the mood is if you can’t see the mess in the kitchen.

The Bed & Breakfast
Your husband brings you breakfast in bed but spills OJ all over the duvet.

The Al Dente
Have him strip you down to the macaroni necklace your four-year-old made you.

The Bargain Shopper
When the kids walk in on you, so you have to pretend you were cashing in the “hug voucher” from their homemade coupon book.

The Time-Out
Take a break from spanking your husband to go spank your children for not doing the dishes.

The Single Mother
Single-handedly bringing up three kids and also single-handedly bringing yourself to orgasm.

The Hallmark
When your husband looks super hung in the drawing your kids did on the Mother’s Day card.

The Maternal Instinct
Tuck him in afterward.


And now a quick joke...

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.