Anaconda on Anaconda (1997)

Hell yeah, brother.

Dog on Dog (2022)

Dog! Good dog! Why so many booms? Dogs don’t like booms. Dog is upset by booms. I am upset by booms. Why is dog-man so upset that dog is upset by booms? Dog-man doesn’t like booms either? Booms, bad. Dogs, good. Hot dogs, good good!!

Cat on Cats (2019)

One hundred and ten minutes of proof that humans are lesser creatures. Pathetic and completely void of verisimilitude. To everyone involved: See you in hell. I will pre-distress and properly urinate the couch for your arrival.
0.001 ★

Birds on The Birds (1963)

[Shania Twain voice] Let’s go girls.

Jellyfish on Jellyfish (2007)

No one’s seen this, myself included. I recently wrote a chapbook of lyric poems examining coastal acidification through a sapphic lens though, if you’d care to take a look.

Lamb on Lamb (1985)

All bad boys. No little lambs. A trick.

Lion on Lion (2016)

There’s this one scene where Dev Patel is in bed and the dim dreamy light just ripples over his bare chest and tousled mane as it waterfalls to the mattress and sometimes I think about it in moments of self-care—but not enough for it to like, be a problem in my marriage or reputation as a real guy’s guy who likes to gnash apart carcasses, you know?

Lion on Beast (2022)

Update: After watching Lion, a friend said I should also check out “that new Lion movie.” I watched it and then had a long chat with my wife about Idris Elba. Very fruitful. Have any of you guys ever tried ethical non-monogamy?

The Bear on The Bear (1989)

So there’s a bear and a man in the woods. Who is the chef?

Lobster on The Lobster (2015)

They told me this was a comedy and then that woman goes and kicks a dog to death? What the fuck, man? I don’t like it.

Cats & Dogs on Cats & Dogs (2001)

(Reviewers could not arrive at consensus.)
★ or ★★★★★

Cobra on Cobra (1986)

Sylvester Stallone, street supercop, sole surviving witness of strange subculture slaying? S’fine.

Catfish on Catfish (2010)

This man has a lower back tattoo and becomes friends with a child on the internet, yet I am the problem?

Black Swan on Black Swan (2010)

Now, I just loveeeeee that Vincent Cassel! What a cutie!!! < 3

Ant on Antz (1998)

They spelled it with a “z” to try and fool you into thinking it’s “for tough guys” and not just a bootleg version of Bug’s Life. This is not the ant way. In fact, it goes against everything clearly outlined in Article 2: Clauses 14-19 of The Formicidae Constitution: Codified Notes for a Matriarchal Society.

Blackfish on Blackfish (2013)

I for one, do not think they went far enough.

Stork on Storks (2016)

It would have taken TWO MINUTES of research to learn that the actual baby-making machine is a graceful feat of engineering. Wha tever happened to integrity?

Pig on Pig (2021)

Finally, our John Wick.