1. Does your Nest Hello™ doorbell ring even though your ivy-covered entryway is vacant?

2. Do you wake suddenly on your Duxiana mattress to unexpected temperature changes made by your Nest Learning Thermostat™?

3. Do you feel like you’re being watched, even when your vestibule Nest Cam IQ™ is powered off?

4. Does your Nest Guard™ Motion Sensor alert you to unusual shadows on your sunshine-flooded veranda?

5. Does your Next x Yale Lock™ randomly unlock your Arcadia doors, causing them to slide open?

6. Does your cedar paneled wall emit a strange blue light, though your Nest Thermostat E™ isn’t updating?

7. Do you smell smoke despite having a Nest Protect™ Smoke Alarm by your Belle Époque Espresso Machine?

8. Does your Nest Aware™ show footage of your 19th Century Moroccan throw pillows levitating?

9. Do your thoroughbred Tibetan Mastiffs refuse to walk past your Nest Detect Sensor™ into the the conservatory where your stepfather passed away?

10. Do you feel like someone (or something) is keeping track of your monthly Co2 emissions?


Tally Your Score

0-2 Points: Chant a serenity prayer and scatter some Ayurvedic herbs on your limestone floor

3-5 Points: Replace your antique couch with teak lounge chairs (Wisteria) and a Turkish daybed

6-9 Points: Enlist your neighbor Ambrosia for support as you refresh your light fixtures (Restoration Hardware)

10 Points: Have you tried Nest Reset™, which will guide you through the 17-step troubleshooting process?

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.