The Southern Gastric-Brooding Frog: “Well, the end is a bit hazy, mostly because I had just birthed my spawn out of my esophagus after ingesting their fertilized eggs and abstaining from food for six weeks, but I will say that reading Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre as your species faces possible extinction—and only days after your digestive tract ejects your offspring—is a mistake.”

Eastern Hare-Wallaby: “Honestly? I wish I’d colored more.”

Sea Mink: “Know your strengths, what others see and desire in you, and then hide or remove those strengths so that they don’t kill you for them.”

Wooly Mammoth: “Hone your image. Think about what you want to exude as a fossil. I lived a life of ruthless ferocity, taking out any living thing that threatened to replace me as a mate, only to be rebranded as a furry vegan whose incisors make rad guitar nuts.”

Big-Eared Hopping Mouse: “Learn from my mistakes: don’t be complacent enough to think the sun never sets on a species with superlative urine concentration, a scaled tale, and unimpeachably developed hindlegs.”

Desert Rat-Kangaroo: “Avoid foxes and cats.”

Carolina Parakeet: “You’re asking me for advice on extinction? That takes real nerve. That is just so rich.”

Saber-Toothed Cat: “Climate change is not edible.”

Passenger Pigeon Mite: “Never hitch your wagon to a bird named Daphne who thinks wingspan and active indigestion are the most valuable qualities in a partner.”

Plesiosaur: “Obviously, I would recommend trying really, really hard to see if there is ANYTHING you can possibly do to prevent, curb, or dampen whatever the agent leading to your elimination is. Of course, any species that could do this would. Obviously, there was nothing we could do about a geological pileup—I mean, it was literally called the extinction event. So, other than RSVP-ing no, I’d say that unfortunately, I have no advice to give since, probably you’re also facing a fast-approaching asteroid over which you have no control and cannot slow or mitigate in any way. I’m truly sorry. I know how it feels. It’s really the absolute worst.”


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