1. The Saguaro Cactus: Standing at 10 feet tall, the Saguaro has the height to guard Durant’s jumper and the thistles to protect the paint.

2. The Cactus Flower: A Native American symbol for love, the cactus flower can instill the Warriors with a sense of compassion for other teams, the spirit of competition, and for not being lazy assholes who stack their team like an 11-year-old playing NBA 2K19 on “Rookie.”

3. Greeny the Butt-Poker: The Warriors are unstoppable when they get the crowd involved. Sure, Steph Curry will always hit threes, but he won’t have his signature swag after Greeny pokes him in the butt! His shining Steph smile will be replaced with a grimace, and the Warriors will lose momentum when the Jumbotron catches Riley Curry yelling, “What’s wrong daddy?!”

4. Lebractus James: Refs are so impressed that he uprooted himself from the earth, they don’t call him for travelling.

5. The Cactus Who Replaced Kevin Durant: After being asked if he was good enough to win a championship without a team of all-stars, Kevin Durant yelled, “I don’t owe anyone shit!” He then took off his number 35 jersey, put it on a cactus, and walked into the sunset. Without Durant, the Warriors would technically beat themselves, but in this case, it would involve a cactus.

6. Commissioner David Cactus: After the Warriors swept the 2018 NBA Finals, David Cactus scratched his bald head (he lost thistles from male-cactus balding) and said, “You know what? Fuck this.” Cactus has yet to act on his impulses, but don’t be surprised if he sets a hard salary cap so teams can’t afford five all-stars.

7. The Inner Cactus in Us All: We’re tired of watching the Warriors beat our favorite teams by 40, but we still tune in because it’s what we’ve been doing since we were eight. That’s because we’re being dandelions: docile and easy to pick. It’s time for us to be stubborn and prickly! Be calm and unaffected by the NBA like a proud ocotillo, until the Warriors come to you and say, “It wasn’t fun beating up on weaker teams with no one watching! We’ll break up our superteam, just please come back!” Be the cactus, be the change.

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