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“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”

“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.

I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.

I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?