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I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.
My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.
Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?
If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.
Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.
Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.
Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.
I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.
Want to write haiku
Don't have any ideas
Try again later
I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.
The drum: sounds' trampoline.
Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?
I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.
Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.
If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.
They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”
I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.
It’s good to look up the difference between “effect” and “affect” every now and than.
I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.
Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?