One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.
You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.
You are not you're mistakes.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?
What is the difference between a poet and a CEO? A poet uses words and a CEO uses people.
A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.
Frugal church seeks organ donor.
My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.
It’s difficult to tell how spiritual animals are, but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.
—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.
Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.
Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.
Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.
Hanging with art friends and repeatedly pointing at graffiti and shouting “Is THAT a Banksy?!” until they snap.
They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.
For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.
Anthropologists believe Bigfoot will remain hidden until he has finished his screenplay.
Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we're lost.
I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”
I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.