Mark: Well you know what they say? It is what it is.
Me: Yeah, of course I know that saying. Everyone knows it. It’s the most overplayed, ignorant, pointless saying in the world. It is what it is? What the hell else could it be?
Mark: Dude, you ever consider decaf?
Me: Of course not. Decaf sucks because it is what it is, and what it is don’t taste good.
Mark: Well, like you said, you can’t change it. It is what it is.
Me: Now, you’re trying to piss me off.
Mark: Hey, all I can do is all I can do.
Me: Of course it is, you jerk. Everything you can do is everything you can do, it is what it is, dumb is dumb, black is black, white is white… these sayings are just stupid. They make people feel like they’re saying something when they’re saying absolutely nothing.
Mark: Well, it is what it is.
Me: I’m gonna kick your ass.

Me: My favorite comment box insults are the ones where the commenters say I can’t write, but never say what I wrote is wrong. It’s like they’re saying, “You suck. Write better.” But they never have any actual suggestions about how to write better.
Frank: So what? You want like a lesson in there or something?
Me: Well, I mean that’s my thinking. Anyone can say, “Hey, you suck.” It doesn’t mean anything unless you get specific.
Frank: I think I see what you’re saying. It’s like, if I’m at a ballgame and I’m like, “Sosa, you suck!” well that doesn’t really say anything. But if I yell, “Sosa, you swing like a blind man with ice cubes for hands!” it’s like it’s a helpful insult. Maybe he’ll focus more and work on his grip as a result.
Me: I don’t know what’s scarier: the fact that I think you’re right or the fact that I think you just disproved my point.
Frank: You had a point?

Me: It’s like people can have entire conversations with nothing more than stupid clichés that say nothing.
Mark: Uhh, yeah. That’s what most people do from nine to five everyday. It’s called “life at work.” And there ain’t nothing you can do to change it. And you know what?
Me: If you say, “it is what it is” one more time, I’m putting my foot through your ass.
Mark: It’s just one of those things.

Me: What do you think of the World Baseball Classic?
Whitney: Um, like, I can spell those words, but I really don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Me: Now, here we go. It’s just one of those things? Let me ask you, what isn’t just one of those things?
Mark: I’m not following.
Me: Every thing is just one of those things. What the hell else could it be?
Mark: I’m still not following.
Me: You see, you’re not actually saying anything. It’s like your lips are moving, but all your words are pointless. They bring nothing to the table.
Mark: What table? This is a bar.
Me: Funny.

Jessica: How did you get a gig writing for that website?
Me: I submitted writing to that website.
Jessica: Hmm, that’s a novel approach.
Me: Why? What were you thinking?
Jessica: Sexual favors, to be frank. But I think I’ll try it your way.

Me: But you see what I’m saying, right? You’re not saying anything. You’re basically walking around saying, “the sky is the sky” or “the table is the table” but you think you’re actually saying something because of the acceptance of those stupid clichés like, “it’s just one of those things” or “it is what it is.” There’s no substance there. You might as well be a monkey shrieking into the jungle for all it's worth.
Mark: I think you need a vacation, dude.

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