Do you think the ring is sparkly enough to agree to the whole death-do-us-part thing?”

“I’ve actually had this ring for years, but today’s the day I finally stop wearing it on my toe!”

“It was important to us to choose a conflict-laden diamond.”

“I thought he was never going to propose, but I finally said, we get married… or you die.”

“The stone was my Great Aunt Shelley’s! But keep that to yourself… if she knows I stole it from her, she’ll cut me out of her will.”

“Crazy coincidence, this ring used to belong to my fiancé’s ex-fiancée!”

“He asked me to marry him! I said no, but I figured, why not keep the ring anyway?”

“Oh, this isn’t mine, I just found it in a McDonald’s bathroom. Finders keepers!”

“Try not to get any fingerprints on it! Technically, it’s still evidence in a murder case.”

“This is the hand that I masturbate with, so now the ring really helps get me off!”

“Sorry if my hand’s a little wet, it’s either water or pee!”

“I adore placing my hand stiffly in yours, displaying my ring and feeling your sweaty palm-skin while you evaluate my relationship via jewelry.”

“Every time I look at it, I’m reminded of the wedding industrial complex that robs couples of their savings just as they’re about to embark on a financial future together.”

“This rock is even harder than my boyfriend’s cock! I’m sorry, how rude of me; I meant my fiancé’s cock!”

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.