Dear Fourth-Year Dental Student,

Congratulations on reaching the cusp—or should we say bicuspid, ha ha—of your Doctorate of Dental Surgery. In this, your final semester before graduation, we will cover several advanced topics in endodontics combined with the selection, upkeep, and disposal of the countless tropical fish that are soon to become a soothing attraction and massive headache in your new dental office.

These last classes will prepare you for numerous real-world dental pathologies alongside the frustrating challenge of maintaining a 290-gallon saltwater aquarium stocked with random sea life by your future overworked office manager.

Some highlights of the curriculum include:

From Enamel to Anemone: This class surveys the latest techniques in tooth and aquarium repair and resurfacing, with the goal of preventing a build-up of harmful bacterial deposits beneath the gravel or gums, creating a healthy environment for oral tissue and invertebrates to thrive.

Group Grouper Insurance: You will gain an understanding of the U.S. insurance system and learn how to select the right provider networks for your practice, as well as review various “fin-surance” plans that can indemnify your office against the high cost of replacing dying Epinephelus, which it turns out should never be in a tank with anemones.

Advanced Anatomy: This is a deep dive (no pun intended) into key dental and piscine anatomical structures, including the crown, neck, pelvic fin, cavities (both pulp and anal), periodontal membrane, caudal peduncle, jaw bone, and jaw bone.

Special Topics in Cleaning: A hands-on laboratory that covers periodontal and aquarial hygiene, with an emphasis on removing scale and scales. Also included are post-cleaning care techniques, such as rinsing with salt water to mitigate puffy gums or gummy pufferfish.

Nutrition: It has been shown that excessive consumption of soda, squid meal, candy, earthworms, caramel, shrimp byproducts, and refined starches can lead to pathological tooth or Patagonian Toothfish decay. This lecture helps to discourage improper feeding that may lead to stress, surface pitting, fin rot, discolored distal surfaces, and gills, or even the need for full removal from the tank or mouth.

We hope these final courses give you the confidence to handle any periodontal emergency and prepare you for the weekly catastrophes that will soon befall the saltwater aquarium dominating an entire wall of your future office waiting room.


Mary Bartholomew

P.S. The financial aid department will be in touch shortly with details about your student loan payoff schedule, as well as offering several affordable packages to finance your new aquarium over a period of 10-15 years.